Jamez Sitings: Failed Hero Complex

when i was a little kid
i truly believed
that one day
something miraculously wonderful
would happen
to change my life
in a way
that i could ensure
that everyone i knew
would have their needs met
and be taken care of. 

as a little kid
i envisioned a communal home
before i could spell communal.
i envisioned plane trips around the world
with 30 or more of my closest friends,
rescuing animals,
reviving deserts,
cleaning oceans.
I saw suffering alleviated,
if not eliminated. 

i saw dreams made real. 

i believed willy wonka.
if it could happen for charlie,
it could happen for me.
diff’rent strokes proved it further. 

so mad at myself for believing.
So angry it’s never come true.
So ashamed of failing to live up to my expectations.

I hate to see my friends suffer.
I hate that my loved ones hurt.
Hate the idea that anyone’s needs
go unmet,
and i can do little about it.

hate
that i can’t save us.