Ask Elise: How Do I Tell Friends And Family I Want To Change My Name?

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to [email protected] listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines:

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Dear Elise,

I previously came out as nonbinary and informed loved ones of my pronouns (they/them), but kept my birth name. Now, I want to change it. I no longer feel connected to that name. How do I tell friends and family I want to change my name?

Sincerely,

Aspen

Dear Aspen,

First of all, I am proud of you for taking this step toward expressing yourself and your identity more authentically and boldly in a world that doesn’t always understand us. Since I am not trans, I interviewed my friend Vex (they/them) who underwent the legal name change process for advice on both family and legal things if you choose to go that route eventually. 

“This brand of queer is not the brand that my mom was comfortable with,” said Vex. “My mom said it would have been easier if I were a lesbian instead of pansexual, so it was extra scary to share my pronouns and name with her. Then it was the pronouns a few years later and you know, some people find non-binary pronouns or neopronouns difficult. It took me five years between coming out as pansexual and coming out as non-binary. It took me two years after coming out as non-binary to tell people my name. I started by telling family and friends that my pronouns are they/them. Then it was actually by accident that my mom found out about my name. I was working with a theater company that she had connections to. My manager texted her saying that it was nice to have Vex around again and that they are a joy to work with. She asked, “Who is Vex? What are you talking about?” Experience showed me that she was not going to react to my name in a way that made me feel comfortable or safe in the relationship.”

Vex reported that their mom called them expressing how upset and embarrassed she was that they hadn’t told her before other people. They ended up working through it. Vex spent some time away from their family to heal and that really helped with working through it. There was a struggle to get their mom to use the name and remember to use it. Vex stated that they were emotionally reactive at the time so this wore on them an increasing amount until they decided they needed space. The relationship is now a lot easier. Their mom has taken time to reflect and work on it. She is more open to their suggestions. 

After their mom found out about their name, they worked on coming out to other family members. Once they came out to a few family members personally, they made a Facebook announcement for all others that they weren’t as close to. Their grandpa is still struggling with the name and pronouns. “It’s funny sometimes though, I have to brush off that cards are addressed to Vex but the outside says granddaughter. I have no problem correcting people who are misgendering or misnaming me even if it does not make a difference in progressing anything. It makes a difference in making me feel okay and grounded in my identity and wellbeing.”

When you first come out to family, it might be helpful to have a safe person either physically present or readily available digitally. My family allows me to bring friends to holiday gatherings especially when they do not have family in the area. Say the friend needs a place to go for a holiday. The friend can then reinforce you emotionally and also help others get used to your name socially and correct people for you, reducing the emotional toll. 

Vex reassures us that the legal name change process is attainable financially and that there are free legal clinics like Family Tree willing to help you. The clinic helped them walk through the documentation and helped them submit their filing. I wonder if there are scholarships to help with legal fees for this. The clinic was also helpful for answering questions about how Vex’s birth state is different than current state of residence, so the birth certificate has additional documentation now to show the name change instead of having to go through another legal process in the birth state. The Minnesota and federal documents were all changed to Vex legally. The state now has the option to put non-binary as the sex on your state ID card. 

We hope sharing Vex’s journey helped provide some insight on this step that you are taking. Aspen, we wish you the best and please know that you have the support of your community.

Best,

Elise