“The Same Olde Shame”

Modern America Provides a Disgrace That’s Both Familiar and New

Before the United States was united by its citizens’ right to the pursuit of happiness, before the United States was the United Anything, one of its pre-United pre-States, the Massachusetts Bay Colony, was united in its attitude toward unions that did not meet the criteria of covenant theology. Such blessed unions, the citizens believed, were the only path to true, everlasting happiness. Intimate relationships that, uh, related outside of Puritanical marriage but inside the commonwealth of Massachusetts were a no-go, and when they did go, yo, they were punished by the baddest of bad medicines: public shame.

Perhaps the best-known version of this toxic tonic was put on display within the fictional-but-not-that-fictional pages of “The Scarlet Letter” by Nathaniel Hawthorne: single lady seamstress Hester Prynne becomes In A Family Way, only without the family. Having apparently indulged in a soiled bliss that somehow coagulated outside of Puritanical marriage, she was forced, as a punishment, to clamber onto a centrally-located scaffold and, with her head lowered and shoulders stooped, suffer the leers, jeers, sneers and cheers of her fellow citizens.

That scaffold was made of pine and societal expectation — the societal expectation that everyone in the colony, except for the witches, maybe, would adhere to the tenets that drove the Puritans to that wild, new world years earlier. American happiness-pursuing has since evolved, of course. If Hester were Prynning today, she might preside over a podcast called “Elected Single Moms Breaking the Sabbath For Fun and Prophet.”

Then again, if Hester were Prynning today, she might lead the charge against a sin that’s just as scarlet in our modern times as adultery was in 1640s Massachusetts: the scaffold upon which 21st-century love-oriented shame stands is the assumption that couplehood is inevitable.

The sin … is being single.

According to New York-based therapist and author Allison Abrams, single shaming is “negatively judging somebody for not being partnered up and not conforming to society’s expectations.” Just as Puritan Massachusetts projected certain assumptions onto its citizens, so too does modern-day America project modern-day assumptions onto the hoi polloi — everyone wants a partner, or should, and, if you don’t have one, then you’re looking for one, or should be. Because everyone wants a life partner, everyone not properly coupled must be lonely or immature or insecure or selfish or flawed or unhappy.

These assumptions might at first seem unlikely, but single shaming is repeatedly reported as a major problem by therapists all over the country. And like all the best manifestations of discrimination, it even has a clinical-sounding technical term — “singlism.”

Singlism’s effects on contemporary Hesters can be personally devastating: societal misunderstanding of deliberate singlehood might generate a shame that erodes the self-worth of such lone rangers. This can lead to an irresistible depression, which might drive a single person to seek out any relationship, even a toxic one, simply to meet society’s expectations.

Members of the queer community may encounter an extra dimension where single shaming is concerned. WeHo-based Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Matthew Dempsey, quotes a hypothetical gay shamee: “If I can only find a partner, I can validate my sexuality because I can prove that I can find love, too.” 

But such validation is emotional fool’s gold, a rationalization to fall in line with society’s archaic expectations. 

“Our sexuality is already valid on its own,” Dempsey affirms. “We don’t need a partner to validate that.”

The truth is, despite the shaming, more Americans than ever are choosing deliberate singlehood for a rainbow of reasons. Sometimes the reasons are practical — an individual might want to remain an individual so as to focus on her career or hobbies. Sometimes the reasons are more general — an individual might prioritize freedom, independence, self-focus or personal growth. And sometimes the reasons are more emotional — recovering from a bad, broken relationship might inspire determined singlehood, as might a cooler, general disinterest in commitment.

Until single shaming goes the way of Puritan adultery shaming, committed singles will have to continue reminding well-intended friends and family that avoiding romantic relationships is their way of pursuing happiness, their self-worth divorced from their relationship status.

Above all else, singlehood offers any individual an opportunity to focus on that often-overlooked form of affection, self-love. That amoré might be the biggest benefit of flying solo through life, building a sense of confidence and self-discovery that could come from no other source. As that disgraced seamstress of an earlier age might have thought during her public punishment — her neighbors intended her humiliation, but when perched on that scaffold of supposed shame, Hester Prynne stood head and shoulders above the rest.