No Rules, Just Love: Breaking Tradition and Embracing the Journey

One of the most special days of someone’s life can also hold powerful history, trauma and struggle. A wedding is a special moment shared among family and friends, setting the stage for a couple’s next era in life. However, for LGBTQ+ couples, this day represents a long journey.

Weddings are not just an event; they tell a story and take guests on an emotional journey, says New York-based wedding planner Jason Mitchell Kahn. For LGBTQ+ weddings, it’s not only the story of the couple, but the story of the LGBTQ+ movement.

“In that moment, we know that a couple and the people that they have asked to witness it are a part of something so special and so profound that our ancestors never got to participate in, that people have been prosecuted for in previous times and still are in other countries,” Kahn says. “This wasn’t a guarantee. This is something that was fought for. And so the celebration is so much greater.”

Kahn has been a wedding planner for 15 years, having fallen into this path after moving to New York to be an artist. He puts his storytelling abilities from his start as a playwright into his wedding planning, bringing out the couple’s ideal story of their relationship and translating it to their guests on their special day. 

Kahn wrote his first book, “Getting Groomed: The Ultimate Wedding Planner for Gay Grooms,” early in his career, and it was the first wedding planner made for gay grooms. He got the idea after planning a queer wedding in 48 hours, right after the Marriage Equality Act passed in New York in 2011.

He says planning a wedding that very first weekend was very special. With celebration throughout the city and joy amongst LGBTQ+ communities, there was still a lot on everybody’s mind. 

“I never dreamed as a child that this would be the reality that I got to live in as a gay person, that I’d look around and feel so equal in society,” Kahn says. “And I think every LGBTQ+ person was feeling that in that weekend, and it made it profound.”

Now that he’s worked with couples all across the spectrum for over a decade, Kahn says he felt there was more to say, especially with how we’ve evolved as a community and how we look at our weddings and identities in a less binary fashion.

Kahn’s new book, “We Do: An Inclusive Guide When a Traditional Wedding Won’t Cut It,” not only gives people a chronological and practical plan for planning a wedding, but also breaks down heteronormative traditions and reminds people that they don’t have to follow them. 

Kahn reminds his clients that they can confide in him, wedding-related questions and beyond, and he’s not just there to pick a venue, dinner and music. He is an ally to the couple through and through, especially those who have difficult family situations.

“As I’ve learned over the years in being a wedding planner, it’s not just about planning an event. It’s about getting to know couples in a very personal way … not only do I get to know them, but they really get to know me,” Kahn says. “I felt that it was important in this book to really be personal so people knew who the person writing it was and get a sense of where my point of view comes from as a planner.”

Wedding planning is a very personal and nuanced experience for everyone, and it can open up triggering experiences for people, Kahn says, and turning that into a moment celebrating how they got through that is special.

Many LGBTQ+ people may not have seen themselves having a wedding in the same way that heterosexual people do, and often, the experiences can be very different. Whether it be family that’s not accepting or expectations of heteronormative traditions, Kahn emphasizes reinventing traditions and the importance of chosen family. 

“Love is so powerful, not just love of two people, but love of family and community, and that heightened experience that happens at places like weddings,” Kahn says. “The number one tip for any couple, but especially for LGBTQ+ people, is to confidently know that there are no rules, you have to do it your way … these moments should be reflections of the couple.”

A great way to break tradition is to pick a unique venue that sparks joy, Kahn says. Whatever makes the couple happy and makes that day extra special is what should dictate the decision. Although Kahn says one make-or-break is the lighting. Having the right lighting makes the event look polished and ensures all the pictures will turn out great.

Kahn says it’s also important to keep your guests in mind during this process, such as ensuring you have bathrooms suitable for everyone, choosing a venue that is accessible for all mobility needs or just giving them something to remember and enjoy.

Go outside the box and curate your wedding in a way that celebrates you and your partner, not what heteronormative standards push. Through every step, plan that special day together with what makes you happy and live in the moment of the “We do.” 

Learn more about planning weddings your own way in Kahn’s new book at jasonmitchellkahn.com.