Everything He Knows About Love, Life, Adversity, Connection, and What Really Matters: Jerome Hager, Words of Wisdom

Warmth, acceptance, fondness and admiration – all feelings Jerome “Grandma” Hager, a gay grandparent feels from his grandchildren. On a broader societal level, the adversity and challenge of it all – self-acceptance, feeling different from everyone else, to coming out later in life, shows the challenges along the way and the beauty of his destinations through wisdom and experience.

From growing up on a dairy farm in a small town outside of Ellsworth, Wisconsin, to attending the little Catholic church down the street, to earning a degree in business and mathematics and getting a job at 3M, Hager has lived a life of many chapters and stages.

Just over a month ago, Hager introduced his partner David to his family, including his grandchildren. At the age of 42, Hager became extremely depressed and knew it was time to not only become reborn with new life lessons, but also to create new memories and experiences as he was now open about being gay.

Even more recently, Jerome and David got married with his immediate family present and flower petals tossed from the hands of his grandchildren filled the ceremony floors. The names of each grandchild are carefully carved into Hager’s part of the ceremony.

The past and present: words of wisdom, evolution and acceptance

Though Hager’s life has evolved and become unified with his partner’s, his experiences, past, and the way he expresses his love are also a core part of his identity – something that has shaped his outlook in life and the way he shares wisdom.

Just over two months ago was when Hager first introduced his fiancé David to his family.

“It was easy, as my family and grandchildren were so welcoming,” Hager added.

Acceptance and adoration were shown through Esme, Hager’s grandchild when, after a t-ball game, she asked if David could play in the playground afterwards and requested that David come along the next time their grandpa visited.

At a recent gathering for a birthday party, his granddaughter Nora introduced David to her best friend by simply saying “This is David!”, without explanation or hesitation – it was pure acceptance.

Even through speakerphone conversations, his grandson Gus asked “Where is David?”, displaying warmth toward the couple. These collective acts of fondness led up to the moment of the wedding, where each grandchild threw flower petals and had their names read by Hager.

While Hager was raising his children, his house was always the “’hangout’ house, the token spot for friends to converse and make memories”, according to Hager. When his daughters were in junior high school, they found out they had a gay dad, and it changed their lives.

His daughters’ friends are “different” too, Hager added. Years later, one of them grew up to be working at a top accounting firm, serving on the diversity council—a role that addresses gaps in representation.

“They were exposed to a different view just because they were my daughters’ friends,” Hager said. “One of my daughters then married a guy who had a gay uncle, while the other married a guy that was the best man in his best friend’s gay wedding.”

Being your authentic self, from sharing your talents, whether it’s through creating art, cooking, or being a nurturing figure for your grandchildren is important, Hager said. Modeling open behavior that doesn’t become narrowly focused is the first step in creating a bright future for those younger than you.

At Hager’s recent wedding, Hager reflects on the deeply-rooted symbolism of his grandchildren throwing the flower petals. “Their world is going to be different, just because they love their grandpa – they had no issue with us getting married,” Hager said.

Food: the edible love language

“You just find different lives,” Hager said. “And now, my life with my grandchildren is going over there and cooking for them.”

What began as getting takeout for his granddaughter Nora after she was born, has now translated into a weekly affair with home-cooked meals by Hager for his grandchildren.

What has been ongoing for the past seven years led Hager to realize his passion for cooking— especially when it meant doing it for others. In order to sell his cookbook, Hager said he would have to set up as a vendor and process tax paperwork, and, instead, decided to simply give them away.

“If it speaks to you, do good things and you put it out there,” Hager said. “I can be out there and bubbly and you know, lead the CookBoyz group and then I want to be alone, so you just put it out there you see what germinates—you can’t plan all this stuff.”

Mid-July, the recently married couple hosted a wedding reception at Hager’s condo, with around one hundred people filtering in and out throughout the day to not only celebrate their marriage but also to serve as a meet and greet for childhood friends.

“You get to create different lives as you go, and what I did not know when I was young is you don’t (know) when you don’t really fit in and you don’t really have a clique or a group; sometimes it takes a long time to realize that’s an asset,” Hager said. “You can fit in anywhere and you can do anything, and you just have to learn how to be confident in yourself and find a way that’s right for you.”