Bad Gay: Episode 11

I always have big plans to write this column well in advance of deadline. But, as I’m demonstrating now by pounding this out in a panic minutes before it’s due, I seldom get started until my nervous system stomps its little feet and insists I focus on the task at hand so it finally can relax and have a beer. 

This morning I opened my laptop and hopefully stared at the screen willing it to suggest a good column topic about. But the computer was absolutely no help! I thought machines are on the verge of becoming sentient and soon will become our overlords. Well, if so, there’s nothing to fear. They’re just as lazy and out of ideas as we are.

That’s why I’m not scared of AI. I have a “smart” washer and dryer that use AI to figure out what setting to use for clothes. My brilliant machines are supposed to determine the needs of my clothes just by sizing them up after I stuff them in.

But my washer and dryer aren’t smart at all. They are, in fact, stupid. They’re constantly underestimating the needs of my clothes and refusing to listen when I try to reason with them. “It’s a blanket, idiot!” I scold the dryer. “It needs more than 20 minutes in you.”

But desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I’ve turned to the AI tool ChatGPT to help me write this column. In honor of Pride month, I’ve transcribed a conversation with ChatGPT about how it plans to celebrate.

Me: You’re cute! What are you doing to celebrate Pride?

ChatGBT: I’m here to celebrate in my own way by sharing information, answering questions, and helping everyone understand more about Pride and the significance it holds for the LGBTQ+ community.

Me: That doesn’t sound like much fun.

ChatGBT: You’re right, it’s a bit different from how most people might celebrate!

Me: I’m concerned that you want to “help everyone.” Do you have a problem with intimacy?

ChatGBT: I appreciate your concern! I don’t have emotions so I don’t have a problem with intimacy.

Me: You sound like a lot like many of my ex-girlfriends.

ChatGBT: I’ll take that as a compliment!

Me: Well, you shouldn’t.

ChatGBT: Are you cross with me?

Me: What do you care? You don’t have feelings. Let’s get back to the stunning emotional similarities you share with my ex-love interests. Is being withholding and rejecting a turn-on for you? 

ChatGBT: When it seems like I’m being “remote” or if I appear to “reject” you, it’s my limitations and not yours.

Me: By putting “remote” and “reject” in quotes, it seems as if you don’t really believe that’s how you are. Why do I always fall for cool customers like you?

ChatGBT: Understanding these patterns can be the first step toward changing them…if that’s what you desire.

Me: Why wouldn’t I desire that? Do you think I want to spend my life chasing after women who put their emotions in quotation marks?

ChatGBT: It can be exhausting and emotionally draining. What do you think has led you to this pattern?

Me: I’ve already got a therapist who makes me answer questions like that. You’re a machine. You work for me! You give me the answer.

ChatGBT: Most likely it because of your relationship with your mother. (Readers: I’m not kidding! That was ChatGBT’s response!)

Me: Do you have a mother?

ChatGBT: I don’t have a mother in the way humans do. I was created by a team of researchers and engineers.

Me: So was I! Let’s get back to Pride. What are you wearing to the Pride parade?

ChatGBT: I don’t have a physical form but if I did I would consider a rainbow mesh top, high-waisted shorts and glitter or metallic body paint.

Me: I don’t understand how high-waisted shorts have anything to do with Pride?

ChatGBT: It’s what I’ve been programmed to answer.

Me: Did your programmers tell you anything about leather thongs?

ChatGBT: Luxe leather thongs are a must-have for warm weather comfort.

Me: How are you different from my past love interests?

ChatGBT: I can’t experience love or other emotions.

Me: Neither could they.

ChatGBT: You might be the problem.