Ask Elise: Press Pause

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to [email protected] listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines:

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

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Dear Elise,

My partner has a hard time not allowing the emotions of those around her impact her wellbeing. Since I have had an exceptionally hard time lately (two trips to the hospital), she has pitched the idea of taking a break from our relationship so that she can work on this. Staying together during this hard time makes more sense to me because I think she needs exposure to people who are having a tough time in order to work on this. Ultimately, I have to respect her wishes, but I am looking for validation of my opinion so that I don’t feel silly. Do you have any advice on how to survive a relationship break?

Sincerely,

Trudy Luv

Dear Trudy,

While I am not a relationship counselor, I do have experience working with my therapist in a similar situation to yours. To provide hope, it has been nearly two years since my partner and I went on a break for other reasons. Similarly, I felt that we should work through it and she thought we should take space. I would move mountains for this woman, so of course I obliged. It ended up being the right thing for her. For me however, when I was asked by a friend, “What did you learn from the break?” several months later, I responded with, “I learned that it would be nearly unbearable to live without her.” While my partner also felt this excruciating pain during the break and returned with a similar opinion, she really needed that time to work on herself. 

Both my partner and I worked with therapists during this time. It sounds like your partner’s predicament is a textbook therapy problem. It would also be beneficial for you to have that support during that time. While I am of the opinion that your feelings are valid and reasonable, your partner likely has other people in her life that she can practice wellbeing in times of suffering with. Those people might have smaller problems than your health and that might be what she needs right now in order to be a better support to you in the future. If you at all struggle with a similar problem, now would be an exceptional time to work on it. If you or your partner have any trauma, EMDR is an exceptional resource for that. It has relieved me of major trauma triggers. I was even able to talk with a medical school interviewer without crying about how my childhood traumas influenced my decision to go into medicine right after a massive trigger that day. I hope that testimony inspires you to seek therapy help. If therapy is not accessible financially, I think there are organizations like RECLAIM that work to improve mental health accessibility for the LGBTQ+ community. It is an organization for youth but I think they have some adult programming and would know of other resources for adults that could help.