Ask Elise: Let’s Talk About an Underrepresented Topic – Lesbian Abuse

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to [email protected] listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines:

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860: Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources they need to survive and thrive.

TRIGGER WARNING: This community member’s question has to do with emotional/physical/sexual abuse and other sensitive topics. Although I interview experts, my response should not take the place of working individually with an expert if you or someone you love is experiencing abuse or mental health issues. Please use one of the below hotlines if you or a loved one is experiencing abuse and needs urgent attention.

RAINN hotline (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) 1-800-656-4673

Local or regional resources are available in most counties.

Here is information about Serenity’s survivor support group:

Our group is for survivors of intimate partner abuse who identify as LGBTQIA+. This group is open to anyone 18+ at any point in their healing journey, and meets weekly on Tuesday nights from 6-7:30p CST via Zoom, and is not limited to WI or MN. Email [email protected] for more information, and to get added to the email list.

Dear Elise,

Lesbian abuse is a scary and underrepresented topic in our community. I would appreciate it if you could find an expert to speak on this topic so that we can work to build stronger community prevention systems.

Sincerely,

Daughter of Sappho (she/her)

Dear Daughter of Sappho,

I had the honor to interview Serenity (she/her), the Legal Services Coordinator for a community based intimate partner violence survivors’ services agency. She has been involved in abuse advocacy and prevention work for almost a decade starting as a volunteer as a first-year college student. She has worked with anti-violence advocates at the regional or state level and currently works with the St. Croix Valley Sexual Assault Response Team. Serenity eloquently provided me with information and resources while noting that program budgets are getting cut at the federal level. For those doing the work to support and care for others as they heal in various ways, Serenity recommends the book Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky and Connie Burk. Serenity is a survivor herself and leads an international support group for LGBTQIA+ survivors. Information on how to join is in the introduction to the article. For those looking to learn about lesbian abuse, my friend who is a survivor recommends the masterfully written book In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.

Serenity began our interview by talking about the relationship between emotional/psychological abuse and physical abuse. A community member asked about “love bombing”, which is where someone, usually at the start of a relationship, shows an unusual amount of affection. Serenity noted that the term was coined by two cults about fifty years ago and has now become a common term in interpersonal relationships. Love bombing is the process of constantly throwing affection at an individual. This leads the person to get their guard down and gets them used to that affection. It can desensitize them to physical contact leading to violence in some cases. When the abuser starts withholding that affection, the love bombing has primed a person’s brain to wonder, “Why am I not getting this? Something must have changed or I did something wrong.” At that point, withholding affection is a manipulation tactic to get someone to do something in order to get back that feeling of affection. Now, lesbians can be very affectionate. Serenity and I both know this from our own friend groups and communities. Love bombing should be identified on an individual basis, and Serenity advises people to trust their gut instinct when it comes to whether an affection pattern is abnormal or concerning. Serenity says despite how abusers try to change someone’s perception of reality, there is no way around that hardwired survival instinct and uneasiness.

Serenity also spoke about the Duluth Model or Power and Control Wheel which readers can easily find online, but please note that some versions are outdated and assume a cis, heteronormative relationship structure. The wheel displays behaviors whether that be financial, emotional, psychological, parental, employment and several other types of abuse. The end result of those behaviors is the outer circle: physical or sexual violence. Over a long enough timeline, every abusive relationship will reach that outer circle. Some people get there faster than others and some people never get there because they are able to leave the relationship before it reaches that point. At the center of all those behaviors is a need for power and control, which is the predominant theory right now for why abusers exhibit them. It could be pathological or it could be a response to trauma, but that need is the one thing all abusers share.

Next, Serenity spoke about why it takes an average of seven attempts for people to fully leave their abusers. She says there are hours long presentations on the psychology and neurobiology of this, but the summary is that it is a matter of cognitive dissonance. The reality is that people often love or care for their abusers, and it is hard to rectify that with the reality that the loved one has been abusive. Sometimes trying to solve that dilemma is more painful than living the reality of abuse. Many people are trapped whether that be financially or in terms of disability or loss of community. It is an intersectional issue. Lots of abusers are popular figures in their communities. Survivors wonder what the abuser will tell people if they leave.

Why is lesbian abuse an underrepresented topic? Serenity doesn’t think that is entirely the fault of straight society. Lots of LGBTQIA+ communities have shifted away from radical values and towards assimilation politics in recent decades. With that shift toward “We’re just like you. We’ve got a house and a white picket fence and all those things just like you,” to be palatable to straight society came this push to hide our faults. We are not a righteous monolith. Exposing the violence lesbians and bisexual femmes perpetuate against each other, sometimes rooted in previous abuse from straight men, could give straight society a reason to knock us down. Therefore, we avoid it. This is one of many reasons. Thankfully, lesbians have legal rights in the state of Minnesota to seek protection. Reach out to Serenity’s organization if you need information about your rights.

Lastly, another community member reached out about what to do when the abuser is neurodivergent. Our upcoming Pride in Pictures issue will contain an Ask Elise on this topic specifically, including an interview with a lesbian abuse survivor who volunteered to talk about neurodivergence in her testimony. There we will further explore community resilience.

Sincerely,

Elise