Ask Elise: Helping Relatives Who Have Trouble With Misgendering

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to [email protected] listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines:

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860: Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources they need to survive and thrive.

Dear Elise,

My grandma is in her 90s and she is fantastic at using my correct name but frequently misgenders me (they/them, she/her). How do I help her build off of what she already does well in order for her to see me better fully as I am? Also, my grandma was always adamant that my dead name was wrong for me, so I do not know how much of her using my correct name is her understanding my trans identity and how much is she just thinking the name fits me better. 

Best,
W. Green

Dear W. Green,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing this dilemma. One of my trans friends who I interviewed for the last Ask Elise reinforces identity to loved ones by saying in response to remarks like “incorrect pronoun or gender* is going to dinner tonight” by referring to themself in the third person. For example, a response could be, “Yes, they will be there!” or “Yes, this human (or person) will be there!” 

Another tip is having a friend or affirming sibling around if possible when spending time with loved ones who misgender you. Then you have a second person to help reinforce the correct pronouns so that the onus and emotional work is not always entirely on you. That can be exhausting. 

An effective way to help her understand the weight of misgendering others is to express how it makes you feel. You could start by saying something along the lines of, “I appreciate how you use my correct name, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and distressed when you do not use they/them or she/her pronouns for me. It makes me feel like you do not respect my identity and I want to believe that is not your intention because I know you care about me. Here are examples of the ways in which you commonly misgender me.” Then you could educate her on how to respond when you misgender someone. It might be helpful to recommend practicing using the correct pronouns with her. If she does not understand they/them pronouns grammatically, it might be worth the conversation. Although you do not need it to be valid, it might even be worth discussing science behind transgender identity to help her see that your experience is rooted in reality and not just your own mind. There was a 2022 study called Brain Sex in Transgender Women is Shifted Towards Gender Identity. I have attached my reference at the end. 

My last article is about helping loved ones understand name changes and that might provide some extra inspiration even though she already uses the correct name. Good luck with your grandma and please know that your community supports you wholeheartedly. 

With love,
Elise

Kurth, F., Gaser, C., Sánchez, F. J., & Luders, E. (2022). Brain Sex in Transgender Women Is Shifted towards Gender Identity. Journal of clinical medicine, 11(6), 1582. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm11061582