Ask Elise: “Am I Queer Enough?”

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to [email protected] listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines:

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860: Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources they need to survive and thrive.

Dear Elise,

I identify as bi/pan and sometimes feel like I am less queer because in general I learn more toward attraction to male or masculine people. It makes me question my identity as I do not feel “queer enough.” How do I reconcile my sense of identity? Additionally, I am close to thirty and have limited relationship experience. I am afraid that future partners will think that I am bad at relationships due to this. Is there anything I can do to prepare myself?

Sincerely,

Rainmaker
(She/her)

—

Dear Rainmaker,

Many of my bi/pan friends who are in straight-presenting relationships feel this way, so please know that you are not alone. My femme friends who are married to men especially feel this. The elders who fought for legitimacy for the B in LGBTQ+ likely felt similarly at points in their lives, but this does not take away from their value in the community.

Bisexual and pansexual people are essential members of our community. Just like how straight people do not need to prove their sexuality with romantic receipts, you do not need to prove your identity to anyone. Even with limited romantic experiences, you do not need to have all the answers to what you want and don’t want in a relationship in order to claim an LGBTQ+ identity. We consider you to be a wholly worthy and valuable community member, and I hope your question makes other readers feel less alone.

One tool that might feel validating to you is the Kinsey scale. Although it faces valid criticism for reinforcing gender binaries, it was a helpful tool in researching LGBTQ+ identities in previous generations. It brought value to me when I was questioning whether or not I wanted to identify as lesbian or bisexual because there were a handful of men, I felt at least genuine romantic attraction to. Having a visual or numerical representation of how you feel may help validate your identity as this scale has been used by researchers and clinicians for decades. It sounds like you may identify with the number two on the scale from the description, but I will certainly leave identity up to you. 

Lastly, my biggest pieces of advice regarding preparing for relationships would include writing out your values before meeting someone you’re interested in, talking to friends who have relationships that resemble what you are looking for, finding confidence in your identity, and realizing that it would be immature of someone to judge you for your limited relationship experience. I have friends who are 25 who have not kissed anyone yet; they are some of the coolest people I know, and they’re straight, so their pool is not smaller. Writing out your values will help you to not compromise just to gain relationship experience.

For example, I am religious and one of my values was to find a partner who shared spirituality with me. I lowered that standard to have a summer fling, which could have risked my availability for my current long-term and hopefully forever partner who I met shortly after. Those values might be easier to discern by talking to friends in relationships you admire or even in relationships you would rather not emulate.

One thing to not do is…listen to magazines (I’m talking like Cosmopolitan or People) for sex/relationship tips. These are often concerning articles and laughable at best. I understand that I, too, am writing for a magazine, but I am not writing a one-size-fits-all column on weird sex tips.

I hope you can also find reassurance in the fact that you are not the only near-thirty-something with limited relationship experience. My roommate was in a culty Christian church for a long time and got married to a partner in that environment. Their first kiss was at their wedding. They are now divorced and are rediscovering the magic of relationships as an adult with somewhat limited relationship experience. It is not as uncommon as you may think, likely especially within the LGBTQ+ community or those coming out later in life. Your future partner(s) will be lucky to have you.

Sincerely,

Elise