The Lesbian Etiquette Game

Hi, kids! Time to play another edition of the Lesbian Etiquette Game. Remember, there are no right answers—only wrong ones.

1. You and your girlfriend are at the grocery store, filling your cart with empty calories to reinforce your recent weight gain. Neither of you having showered in days, your limp hair is encased in a hideous cap your Grandma knitted for you in sixth grade. Suddenly, you spot your ex-girlfriend, the love of your life, looking her glamorous best. Before you can abandon your cart, and flee the store, she calls your name. How do you react?

a. Pat your bloated tummy, and tell her that you’re still working on losing the baby weight. (When she demands photographic evidence of your new infant, pull from your wallet a photo of your 20-year-old niece, and claim that she’s big for her age.)

b. Wave your hands wildly, and speak in a phony foreign language. Make repeated mentions of Albania and fear of deportation.

c. Do not acknowledge your new girlfriend, who is standing at your side, and looking even more ragtag than you. When your ex requests an introduction, ask your girlfriend to fetch something in the bread aisle. As soon as your girlfriend is out of earshot, explain to your ex that she’s the maid.

2. You have been invited to spend the weekend at your girlfriend’s family home. When you arrive, her mother puts you in separate bedrooms. Later that night, your girlfriend’s mother catches you sneaking into her daughter’s room. What do you say?

a. “I can’t find my adult diapers in my bag. I’m just going to take a peek in your daughter’s suitcase. I’d hate to have an accident on your lovely flannel sheets.”

b. “Perhaps I misunderstood you. I know you don’t want us to sleep in the same room, but you never said anything about having sex.”

c. “Oops, wrong room. I wasn’t planning on sneaking into your daughter’s room. I meant to sneak into your room.” Then, raise your eyebrows suggestively.

3. You have been selected to represent lesbians on your company’s diversity task force. You are required to draft a list of demands for management. What do you request?

a. Hire more of those lady-executive types who barely disguise a raw, animal sensuality beneath layers of carefully pressed linen and expensively coiffed hair.

b. Paid family leave to spend time with neurotic cats suffering from separation anxiety, and a generous pet health insurance plan.

c. Replace instructional posters on boosting productivity with life-sized photos of Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman, and Kristen Scott Thomas.

4. You finally work up the nerve to ask out a girl you’ve had a crush on for years. Amazingly, she accepts your invitation to meet at a cabaret club. She shows up at the bar with another woman she introduces as her girlfriend. What do you do?

a. Get drunk, and strike a provocative pose on top of the piano. Command the piano player to perform songs of unrequited love, and sing along while staring pointedly at your crush.

b. When the waiter takes your drink order, politely ask if yours comes with a side of arsenic. If it doesn’t, request a razor blade.

c. Ignore the existence of the girlfriend. Place your hand on your crush’s thigh. Shove your tongue down her throat. Request a sappy love song, and gaze meaningfully into her eyes. When the crush’s girlfriend protests, look confused, and ask your crush why she decided to bring her maid along on the date.

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