Something’s Fishy

I spent three days of my spring break enjoying the Sea Life Minnesota Aquarium at the Mall of America.

But as I learned more about marine life, this fancy-schmancy fishbowl struck me as an artificial environment for these wonderful creatures.

On my second day, I saw a manatee with a crudely-drawn sign that read: “Will Do Cute Camera Poses For Food.”

I was so inspired, however, that I hope to produce what I think will be a valuable contribution to the science of marine behavior: my upcoming book You Don’t Know Squat About Squid.

While I await word whether the affordable Cousteau—Jacques’s grandson, Murray—will write the introduction, I offer a sampling of my most fascinating observations:

Oyster Usually ambisexual, begins life as a male, becomes and female, reverts back to male, then changes once more to female. Has enormous therapy bills.

Electric Eel Has an average discharge of 400 volts. After sex, has been overheard asking its partner, “Was it bright for you, too?”

Cuttlefish Among the fish that use sounds for defense. Hawaiian cuttlefish, for example, repels its enemies by emitting ukulele songs at high volume.

Anglerfish Parasitically attached to the female, the male has no independent existence. Also known as Kevinfederlinefish.

Lamprey Feeds on the blood of other fishes. Only fish both studied and worshipped by Hollywood agents.

Marlin At 2,000 pounds, the largest game fish, with the possible exception of one relative: the Marlinbrandofish.

Flounder One variety can lie on a checkerboard, and reproduce on its upper surface the same pattern of squares—for camouflage. Valuable not only for protection, this skill also clinched the Grand Prize in the fish version of American Aquarium’s Got Talent.

Puffer Fish Protects itself by puffing up in order to appear twice its real size and power to deter attempts by other fish to swallow it. Also known as Sarahpalinfish.

African Cichlid Female carries fertilized eggs in her mouth. Sheesh. Whatever you do, don’t ask her to gargle.

Well, I gotta go now. I have a sudden urge to eat at Long John Silver’s. Tsk. Consider the source.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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