Sex Talk: Satisfying Curiosity

Yes, it killed the cat, or so they say. But curiosity has also hardened many a crotch. The yet-to-be-explored has always held an erotic allure. Many a guy has fantasized about bondage, group sex, or—most commonly—what it would be like to do the dirty with another man. Internet sex sites are chock-a-block with ads placed by bi-curious boys pondering the pleasures of penis. One online cruiser says, “I’ve met plenty of guys who have wives or girlfriends, but who want to give homo stuff a try. Since many folks are bisexual, but are in situations where gay sex is usually a no-no, that’s hardly surprising. But it is fun.”

Beyond mere male/male contact, there’s plenty of kink to be curious about. Says one self-described spanking virgin, “I have some corporal-punishment videos I watch, and I masturbate thinking about my butt being swatted while I’m over some daddy’s knees. It’s just that I’m, well, reluctant to actually try it.”

There’s no law, of course, that curiosity has to be satisfied—reality does have its pitfalls. One experienced leather top says, “If I’m negotiating with someone who’s a novice, I’ll caution him that his fantasies—about getting flogged, for instance—may not necessarily match what will actually happen. The real thing might turn out to be a delightful surprise, or it may be a disappointment. I’ve set up elaborate scenes, only to have a newbie bail after a few minutes, saying that it wasn’t what he’d imagined.”

For that reason, it’s best for all parties concerned to keep preconceptions to a minimum. If you’re inexperienced, bear in mind that the erotica you’ve wanked over is fictional, and that desire can be considerably more complex than that. Having a detailed script is sometimes a boon to role-playing scenes, but can also be a pain for your partner to fulfill.

Says our online cruiser, “If someone e-mails me and demands to know exactly what I’m going to do with him, I tend to shy away. Sure, it can be reassuring to know what’s going to happen, but I’d much rather keep things loose and surprising.”

When trying something new, there’s often ambivalence involved. Sometimes fears can even be self-fulfilling—worrying that getting anally penetrated will hurt can keep a guy tense, thereby making pain more likely. That’s not to say that limits aren’t important. Inexperience can lead to unplanned risk-taking, so pre-play negotiations are indispensable. They can be as simple as committing yourself to condom use, or as complex as setting up a series of safeword-enforced boundaries for an elaborate bondage-and-discipline session.

If you’ll be bottoming in a scene that’s possibly perilous—temporary piercing, for example, or electricity play—it’s wise to make sure that your prospective top is experienced, sober, and sane. And if you want to try out being the guy in charge, it’s vital to know what you’re doing; merely having read a porn story or two won’t cut it. While nothing’s as good as practical experience, there are enough reputable guidebooks out there to ensure an education on all matters erotic, from everyday oral sex to wild whippings.

In the old days, entering the sexual underground could be tough. But in the Internet Age, it’s easier than ever to try out formerly forbidden stuff, and that’s usually a good thing. There are men who’ll be happy to help. “Sure,” our online cruiser says, “sometimes when I give head to a bi-curious guy, I can end up feeling like a science fair project. But mostly it’s a joy to help somebody experience something new. And if some supposedly straight man gets off and I don’t, well, even then it’s an open question as to who’s using whom.”

Yes, there are certainly some fantasies best kept in the realm of “I wonder…” But if you’re curious about what it would be like to have sex in drag, or in a dungeon surrounded by butch leathermen, why not give it a go? It can be immensely liberating, and great fun for your partner, whether he’s a steady squeeze or a one-time trick. And if it turns out you don’t really enjoy doing whatever, you don’t have to do it again.

Just be careful—unless you, like that curious cat, have eight more lives left. Odds are that you’ll end up like the 30-ish guy who says, “For years, I wondered what it would feel like to give head. And now I just can’t get enough.”

Simon Sheppard is the editor of Leathermen and Homosex: Sixty Years of Gay Erotica, and the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at [email protected] Visit Simon at

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