Sex Talk: Beginning with Bondage
Many a man, upon seeing a photo of a tied-up guy, his naked body straining against ropes and restraints, has thought, “Hey, I’d like some of that!” Bondage is mostly about power—about taking control or surrendering it. That’s a big temptation for tops who crave a human sex toy. So how does a newbie bondage dom go from stroking off over porn to really playing with ropes and chains?
In part, it depends on a kinky guy’s goals. Some restraint stuff is fairly simple, even for absolute beginners. Anybody can perform bondage lite—moves like using handkerchiefs to tie a partner’s wrists to the headboard. And handcuffs are widely available, though it’s important not to damage the nerves in the wrists, or—vitally—not to misplace the key.
Moving up in sophistication, there are trunk loads of specialized bondage gear to be bought, everything from non-intimidating Velcro wrist restraints to heavy-duty (and pricey) cast-iron shackles. Using them on a bottom’s body is pretty much a breeze, though the usual warnings about safety apply. But, cautions one bondage master, “If you’re just starting out, don’t overbuy. There’s a tendency to want all the coolest gimmicks, but toys don’t make the man. Start slowly, learning what you want to do and what you need to do it, and you won’t end up with a huge credit card bill for gizmos you’ll rarely use.”
The cheapest, most available bondage toy is also one that’s quite tricky to use well: rope. While simple rope techniques usually use shorter lengths of line, Japanese-style bondage, which uses longer ropes to enwrap a body in intricate webs of restraint, is an art form in itself. But even the most basic rope bondage, such as firmly tying up wrists and ankles, requires knowledge to do securely and safely. Says our bondage master, “Rope work that seems quick and dirty can really be fairly involved. You don’t want to cut off someone’s circulation, but neither do you want the ropes to be so loose that they just fall off.”
He continues, “There are a growing number of how-to-be-kinky books out there, some of them very good. But bondage takes place in three dimensions and real time, and there’s nothing as good as learning from an expert.”
In urban areas, leather clubs and sex classes can provide some erection-producing education. And—given the truism that the best tops start out by bottoming for good dominants—it’s often possible to find men who know their ropes by cruising online. But one fellow cautions, “You want to make sure that you’re bottoming for someone sane. I once got into a really scary situation, and believe me, you don’t want to be incapacitated by a psycho.”
Most crazy people don’t warn you up front, of course. But the story does point up the importance of pre-play negotiations. When you’re the top, establish trust. Be honest about your level of expertise. And get to know what your bottom-to-be wants, what his limits are, whether he has physical injuries, and if he’s experienced. As our bondage master says, “Newbie submissives may have a fantasy of what bondage feels like that bears no relation to an actual scene. A man may find being tied up relaxing, even overly slow and involved. Or he might want to struggle, when you’d rather he didn’t. It helps to talk these things out beforehand.”
Once you’ve established rapport with your sub, relax and have fun. If the ropes sag or a knot comes undone, don’t get flustered. If a stressful position that seemed like a hot idea turns out to be too tough for a bottom’s body to bear, rearrange things before injury occurs. And if a bottomboy seems bored, either ramp things up or simply ask him if he wants to end the scene.
Be forewarned that in consensual play, the fantasy may not always match what’s really going on. Recalls one middle-aged top, “I was sex buddies with this married man who kept asking to be tied up and teased. It was as if being restrained would give him permission to enjoy himself. I obligingly tied his hands behind his back and masturbated him, but when he referred to himself as my ‘slave,’ I knew that was bull.”
Remember, too, that getting a guy out of bondage can be somewhat involved; if you’re playing with ropes, always keep a pair of scissors handy, just in case.
And with luck, training, and sensitivity, you will, likely as knot, turn out to be fit to tie a guy up.
Simon Sheppard is the editor of Leathermen and Homosex: Sixty Years of Gay Erotica, and the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at [email protected] Visit Simon at www.simonsheppard.com
