Residents of Avenue Q Speak Out
Interview with Brian, Christmas Eve, Kate Monster, Lucy the Slut, Nicky, Rod, Princeton, and Trekkie Monster
During a recent trip to New York City, I set out to meet the residents of Avenue Q I had heard so much about over the past few years. Because it was New York, I intended to take a taxi, but quickly decided against it when my driver told me if we got pulled over, I should keep my mouth shut, look forward, and let him do the talking. I figured it was best to hoof it to my destination.
I began to worry once I made it to Avenue N that I was standing out too much with my nice clothing and camera around my neck. Quickly ducking into the first clothing store I could find, I bought a pair of pants four sizes too big and a shirt large enough to fit three.
Once I felt I fit in more, I continued on my journey to Avenue Q, where I ran into Gary Coleman—who knew he in fact did live on Avenue Q! He let me into the building, where I got the chance to sit down with the residents, and ask them a few questions that were on my mind.
When you decided you wanted to make change in the world, what were you smoking that you thought a BA in English would help you out?
Princeton: Well, smoking was never the issue. I just wanted the lightest workload. I guess I’m just not a poster boy for realistic long-term planning.
Have you ever thought of coming to work for Lavender Magazine? We could always use someone with a BA in English and no usable skills. We could teach you how to fetch us coffee, unless you had any other menial tasks you think you’d be good at.
Princeton: Thank you, but no thank you. Recently, I’ve discovered that helping other people out makes you feel fantastic. Helping a little monster child get a good education beats bringing someone coffee any day.
How did you manage to get laid off from the catering company?
Brian: Two words: munchies.
Hey, Brian, I hear NBC has an opening for a late night comedian after the Olympics this year. I mean, you might get snuffed out by Leno, but what do you think about applying for a job there?
Brian: While I have always been on Team CoCo, I prefer being in the same TV block as comedians who write all of their own material. So, NBC wouldn’t really be my thing.
Why do you do anal things like ironing your underwear?
Rod: Well, if I know there is even just one crease in my undergarments, I simply can’t focus. I don’t consider myself anal per se, just particular. I consider my standards for the crispness of my panties average.
You know, Christmas Eve, you should advertise for clients in Lavender. Gay men are full of issues. Just look at Rod. Oh, wait. He has a “girlfriend” in “Canada.” Oh, wait! See! Issues. Why haven’t you already tried advertising to the gay men?
Christmas Eve: Well, Russell, I not know that the gay people like Rod have extra issues! Now that I seeing how much help Rod needs, I will reach out to gays for more business! I am also with good experience for helping a gay after working with Rod, so you tell your friends I give good helping, OK?
I hear if you’re a perfect Christian who never sinned in your life, and comes from a perfect family that really knows how to hide dirty secrets, you’re bound to get a date on Match.com. What do you think about adding a profile there, and finding yourself a date?
Kate Monster: Oh, I wouldn’t know about that. I’m a monster, and as you may know, us monsters wear our dirty secrets on our fur for everyone to see. I guess I wouldn’t do too well on Match.com, would I?
What’s it like having Gary Coleman as a Superintendent on Avenue Q? Have you ever just thought of holding your rent checks in the air, and seeing if he could jump high enough to reach them?
Christmas Eve: I not knowing who Gary is when Blian and I move here, but Blian show me on the TV what Gary used to do. I not understand, so I turn off, and hit Blian for such big wasting of time, but Gary fix clog in toilet, so he OK by me! I also liking my tall shoes for helping me staring Gary in eye when he try to push rent up—not so good of success for him!
Trekkie Monster: Me like Gary. I pay porn for rent when I am investing me money.
Have you ever tried finding purpose on the corner, Princeton? I mean, it’s been, like, a while now that you’ve been trying to find your purpose. Don’t you think it’s time to start looking elsewhere for your purpose? I hear there are lots of lovely women and men finding purpose every night on the corners of New York City. Trekkie Monster and Lucy the Slut could help you pick out an outfit to wear as well, being they’d know exactly what works and what doesn’t.
Princeton: Well, Christmas Eve says that people like that [like Lucy] can catch gonorrhea doing stuff like that. That’s the last thing I want right now. Kate will barely take me back as it is. I’d be shocked if she let my new STD into her bed.
Have you ever thought about not being a little bit racist, Princeton and Kate Monster? I heard it’s much easier to just stereotype. Plus, it’s faster.
Princeton: Nah…stereotyping is never cool. We all joke about it, but I don’t think we’re at all serious. If I were really racist, I wouldn’t be so close to Kate, Gary, or Christmas Eve now, would I?
Kate Monster: Everyone is racist, and we all need to come to terms with it. If everyone in the world could admit that they’re racist, I think we could finally live in harmony.
Have you ever though of using that completely useless BA in English, and actually using it to open a school for Mexican busboys? Why couldn’t you be the one to teach them English?
Princeton: Until I’ve learned how to manage my own life, I don’t think I have the right to teach anyone anything.
Have you been using the Internet as it was designed for, or do you still think it was made for other reasons, Kate?
Kate Monster: The Internet is for researching, browsing, and shopping. Maybe you would like to enlighten me on these “other reasons.” Could I teach them to a kindergarten class?
I was wondering if you could help me, Trekkie Monster? I’ve been on the Internet all day at work, and I just can’t find any good porn. Any tips you could give me in finding the good stuff?
Trekkie Monster: Me like www.furrymonsterchicks.com.
Brian, I’d like to go without underwear as well, but you see, I’m always on the Internet, and, well, there’s a problem. Do you have any tips on how I can solve my um…situation?
Brian: I’m a bit confused by your question. I’ve always found being on the Internet the perfect time to not be wearing underwear. Unless I’m at Starbucks. Then, not so much.
Hey, Lucy, what kind of guys are you talking about that you can make them feel special for an hour or two? All the guys I know are, like, 10 minutes, and then, they’re ready for bed.
Lucy the Slut: Well, baby, as long as my motor is running, you won’t be ready for bed. Where’s your pad? Maybe you need to see what it’s like to feel special.
I couldn’t help but hear you through the walls when you were screaming about putting Kate’s finger somewhere. Where exactly were you talking about?
Do any of you ever get the feeling that Gary Coleman lets you be at loud as hell when you’re making love because he likes to listen to it? I do.
Princeton: Yeah, he’s pretty lonely nowadays. But, to each their own, I guess. Whatever floats his boat, man. I just don’t want to know about it. If he starts quoting me from the night before, then we’ll have a problem.
Kate Monster: Gary Coleman can hear me? Oh, this is very embarrassing. No comment!
Rod, don’t you think its getting time to tell Nicky about your feeling? I mean, it is 2010, and we have some very open states like California and Utah. Or are we finally going to meet your girlfriend from Canada?
Rod: I think you have the wrong person. I don’t understand the question. Nicky is just my roommate and best friend. I resent that you would imply anything further. The nerve. Can I speak to your manager?
Speaking of Alberta, when was the last time you saw her? I swear you haven’t left Avenue Q ever!
Rod: Just because Alberta and I don’t see each other as often as we’d like doesn’t mean we love each other any less. Plus, I’m in the beginning stages of planning a trip to see her in Vancouver, anyway. I hear it’s beautiful this time of year. My dear, dear Alberta is just so swamped with work nowadays…so my plans keep getting delayed…over and over again. Can we change the subject, please? Speaking of her yanks far too hard at my heartstrings.
Could you just, like, draw me a map with the fine line on it, or tell me how to spot it? I really don’t like climbing hills, and it would be sooo much easier if you just told me where this line was.
Kate Monster: I don’t think it’s something I could draw. It’s more of a feeling! Just listen to your heart, and you’ll find it.
Hey, Kate, how are things going with you and Princeton? I’m dying to find out!
Kate Monster: My lips are sealed, as a good monster never reveals her secrets.
I’ve never been to New York City, and I don’t want to be like you all—walled up in a room, and depressed like a loser. What should I do in NYC?
Princeton: Yeah, I guess I haven’t really been in the mood to go out lately. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t a million fun things to do here in NYC. Just because I’m “walled up…like a loser”—by the way, pretty harsh, man—doesn’t mean you have to be.
I get the feeling that you have a rap sheet for domestic abuse because of your style of love. What’s the worst thing you’ve done in the name of love?
Christmas Eve: My main advice is that the more you ruv someone, the more you want to kir them. My lawyer has told me to not say more. I liking next question, please!
You know, Nicky, I think Gary Coleman made up schadenfreude because he’s, well, Gary Coleman. What do you think about schadenfreude?
Nicky: I think it’s the most perfect way to turn any gray day into a sunny one.
On the same note, why would you think listening to the Germans or Gary Coleman would actually be a good thing? I think Gary Coleman has more issues than a team of therapists could fix.
Nicky: I think Gary is one of the best people on Avenue Q. He’s been on TV, so he has to be smart.
Or does living so close to Gary Coleman make you all think your lives are way better then they actually are?
Nicky: Sure does. His life sucks way more than anyone’s on Avenue Q. I mean, he spends most of his day unclogging poop from our toilets: schadenfreude at its finest!
Brian: Let me start by saying that Gary and I are very good friends. Who do you think was in the passenger seat when he hit that guy with the car? Granted, seeing Gary does remind us that life could be a whole hell of a lot worse, but for the most part, he’s quite an enjoyable guy.
You know, I was thinking, you should all go back to college. You’d be, like, wayyy older than even the teachers there, but you could become some kind of gang that beats up the younger students. What do you guys think of my genius idea? It’s copyrighted, by the way.
Princeton: Well, I’m only 22, so if I would be “wayyy” older than the teachers there, I don’t think that’s the caliber of education I’m looking for anyway. The school of Real Life will be much more beneficial, I think—plus, loads cheaper.
Nicky: I’d like to join the GSA. I’m not a homosexual myself, but I love the gays! I’m a firm believer that it’s in their DNA, and think no one should live their life in the closet. What should it matter to the breeders what you do in bed with guys? Nothing! All you closet cases, come out and shine!
I asked Jesus Christ what he’d give me, and he said a new car. What are you going to give me?
Lucy the Slut: I’ll give you a ride in the back seat of that car.
Trekkie Monster: Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!!
Brian: I’m not sure who you think I am that I just give things away to people I’ve never met, but I just got off the phone with Jesus, and he said he was giving me your car. So…sucks to be you, buddy.
Princeton: Well, if he’s giving you stuff like a new car, keep asking him for handouts. The most I could afford to give you is three or four bucks. Yeah, definitely, just ask Jesus for another car.
I have another problem, Trekkie Monster. I invested all my money in porn like you, but now all I have is, like, a thousand DVDs and a sore arm. What did I do wrong?
Trekkie Monster: Me no see problem. My right arm always sore.
You guys have been living on Avenue Q for a while. Have any of you ever thought of moving up to, like, Avenue O or M, or even Avenue G?
Kate Monster: No way. We’re all friends on Avenue Q, and if one of us left, it wouldn’t be the same! And besides, where else is Gary Coleman going to be your Super?
Brian: Well, we’ve always dreamed, but sadly haven’t really had the money lately to even consider moving, what with having just been fired—again. Someday, though, I’m sure Christmas and I will be able to get out there.
Special thanks to Ashley Eileen Bucknam (Kate Monster & Lucy the Slut), Joshua Holden (Nicky & Trekkie Monster), Lisa Helmi Johanson (Christmas Eve), Tim Kornblum (Brian), and Zach Trimmer (Princeton & Rod).
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