Redeeming Qualities

I think the Minneapolis Police Department’s gun redemption program is a pretty cool idea. I like the thought of taking Grandpa’s old World War II service revolver (which he used to defend Fort Snelling Cemetery from marauding squirrel attacks) down to my local police station, and trading it in for tickets to Wrestlemania.

I heard that a suburban church recently launched a similar scheme for porn videos. It didn’t work out. What was intended as a redemption program (in every sense of the word) quickly turned into a kinky swap meet in the church parking lot.

Still, there’s something to be said for using people’s greed to modify their behavior. Think of the problems we could solve:

Junk Food Convert all those Little Debbie cakes into high-fiber snacks that taste like nothing so much as the cardboard boxes they come in. Remember, if Twinkies are outlawed, only outlaws will have Twinkies.

Cigarettes This one may be moot, since smoking is already illegal pretty much everywhere except in the privacy of your own home, with blankets covering the windows lest offending vapors seep into the outside air. Still, the excitement of a cigarette-exchange program might be worth its weight in sugar-free gum. Or then again, not!

’70’s Music A whole generation still doesn’t realize that listening to the Bee Gees can cause brain damage. (Some claim, however, that listening to the Bee Gees is caused by brain damage.) Trade in those old Captain and Tennille records for absolutely anything on CD. Granted, love will keep you together, but geez, get a life while you still can.

Smart Phones We have developed a shocking dependence on cell phones. Folks can’t get through a restaurant meal without checking their bank balance or the weather in Peru. What can you give a phone junkie that would make him surrender his crutch? After all, you’re taking away quite a lot when you remove the ability to piss off the people in the next booth. It would have to be something special, fun, personal, and every bit as empowering, in its own way, as a smart phone.

I know! How about some spanking videos? Just a thought, but consider the source.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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