Pregnant Pauses

Everybody is getting pregnant these days: Heidi Klum—constantly. Those frisky Kardashian girls. Well, everybody. Everybody, that is, except men. You can teach them to take out the garbage and do the laundry, but no way can you get them to have kids.

But if men could get pregnant, it would surely change life as we know it. Culture, science, relationships—nothing would be the same.

And what about world history? Let’s take a look.

Creation Adam and Eve remain in the Garden of Eden after turning down the serpent’s offer. “Forget it!” the pregnant Adam says. “Even the smell of apples makes me nauseous!”

3300 BC The Bronze Age begins. A father eager to preserve baby’s first sandals invents metal.

2566 BC The completion of the great pyramids. After decades of construction, the pregnant pharaoh looks out at the workers, and says, “You think that’s labor? That’s nothing!”

776 BC First Olympic games. Athletes compete in the 200-meter stroller sprint and the five-man bedtime story relay. It’s a face-off of the ancient cities of Athens, Sparta, and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

405 BC The father of Greek philosophy, Socrates, utters the timeless pronouncement: “The path to wisdom, truth, and happiness is….Oops, gotta run, the baby has pooped….”

218 BC Hannibal crosses the Alps with a herd of elephants, but turns back for the sake of the children when he discovers the Consumer Product Safety Commission has recalled all “My Little Hun” kiddie seats.

1439 AD Gutenberg invents movable type so he can print birth announcements.

1492 AD Columbus discovers America, but is appalled that there is not one board-certified obstetrician on the entire continent.

1507 AD Michelangelo sculpts David. Latin inscription on the base of the statue reads: “Imagine he looks like this after four children.”

1601 AD William Shakespeare’s Hamlet captures the essence of manhood with the soliloquy “To be or not to be pregnant, that is the question.”

1626 AD The Dutch buy Manhattan for $26 worth of beads, trinkets, and disposable diapers.

1773 AD The Boston Tea Party doubles as a baby shower.

1775 AD Paul Revere cancels his midnight ride, and the British take New England, because he had no one to watch the kids.

1775 AD Pregnant Frenchmen storm the Royal Palace. Marie Antoinette, knowing nothing of the birth experience, exclaims, “Let them eat pickles and ice cream!”

1804 AD Napoleon Bonaparte is immortalized with his hand in his jacket in the famous painting Emperor Prepares for Two O’clock Feeding.

1876 AD The telephone is invented. First words uttered: “Watson, come here. I need you to pick up Jennifer at daycare.”

1879 AD Thomas Edison invents the electric light. Three days later, he paints a clown face on it, and uses it as a nightlight in the baby’s room.

1915 AD A pregnant Albert Einstein discovers the theory of relativity: Once you’ve had a baby, your father-in-law moves in with you.

1927 AD Baby oil is first marketed, but doesn’t succeed until the name is changed to “Kid Lube.”

1938 AD Superman comes to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men—he’s strong, he flies, he has sonogram vision.

1980s AD Sylvester Stallone sets box-office records with his action/adventure trilogy: Rocky I: Conception; Rocky II: Delivery; Rocky III: Not Again.

1993 AD Congress enacts the Family Leave Act. Fathers now receive 18 years off with full pay.

2010 AD The Super Bowl is clinched by the New Orleans Berts, who edge out the Indiana Ernies.

Throughout History Women sympathize. Really they do. Honest. No kidding.

Of course they do. Consider the source: They’re women!

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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