Measuring Up

Men. You can’t live with ’em. You can’t shoot ’em out of season. And now, you can’t even lend ’em a ruler without wondering if they’re among the 55 percent who admit they’ve measured their, uh, “willy-winkies.”

And all this time we thought they were going into the garage to draw the perfect isosceles triangle. Not so, according to a recent survey of 1,000 American guys.

I’d venture a guess that the 55 percent figure is a bit low.

First of all, 20 percent of the men refused to answer. While it’s conceivable that they were taking the moral high ground, I’m guessing they just had more important things to do—such as trying to delicately remove some darn painful splinters.

Of the 25 percent who responded no, all were heard mumbling something about wands, magicians, and disappointment that the metric system is not more widely accepted.

Other questions were equally revealing. Straight men were asked, for example, “If a woman you’d just met described herself as a feminist, would that make her more or less attractive to you?” The responses: 40 percent said less attractive, 39 percent claimed it would make no difference, and 19 percent answered more attractive.

Now, had the researchers mentioned that the woman was wearing a wet T-shirt, and made Pamela Anderson look downright waify by comparison, I’m willing to bet 90 percent of these dudes would be suddenly willing to cancel their NRA memberships, and join the ranks of NOW.

The next section of the survey was designed to dispel the myth that men make all sex-related decisions based on the answer to one question: “Will I be having sex?”

In response to the first question in this section—“If you could be certain that your significant other would never know, would you have sex with any of your partner’s friends?”—55 percent of the guys said yes. Excessive drooling prevented the other 45 percent from forming intelligible answers.

Researchers then asked, “Have you ever had sex with someone you actively disliked?” Fully 58 percent of the men responded yes. Those conducting the survey went on to note that when the interview was over, these same guys all said, “Um, ah, I’ll give you a call,” and bolted out the door as if ablaze.

The myth lives on.

Under the gee-what-a-surprise category were responses to the question, “Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with a stunning model or an Outward Bound instructor?”

The 67 percent who chose the model might be all smirks until the living doll informs them, “You’ll be so proud of me. You know that last jug of drinkable water we had? I thought it would only be enough for a pedicure, but I gave myself a manicure, too.”

Answers to several other questions prove there already is more than enough material to start filming Dumb and Dumber III.

The men surveyed were asked, “If your friends threw a bachelor party for you, which would your prefer: (1) A bonding weekend in the woods with your best friends; (2) A night at a casino or sporting event, followed by barhopping; or (3) A night in the back room of a raunchy strip joint, complete with lap dancers and porn flicks?”

The bonding weekend in the woods was the most frequently selected. While researchers found this quite admirable, what they didn’t realize is that these guys assumed their best friends would bring the dancers, a generator, and She-Males Do Debbie in Dallas.

Although it elicited a 63 percent yes response, the survey’s next question—“Can sex be good even if you don’t have an orgasm?”—ignited a storm of protests. In fact, many respondents challenged the inquiry’s very validity, arguing that it was based on the premise rife with physical impossibility.

Well, that’s how researchers interpreted their comments. What most actually said was, “No fuckin’ way!”

In response to one of the survey’s final questions—“Have you ever wished you could experience pregnancy and childbirth?”—the men resoundingly answered no.

Consider the source here, but can’t argue with ’em there.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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