Godzilla Runs a Muck

Yeah, OK, you’ve heard it before: No more Godzilla movies. Tsk. That poor lounge lizard has died more times than a trainload of opera singers.

Alas, I think they really, really, really mean it.

Chief producer Shogo Tomiyama, of the Toho Co., which has made all 21 Godzilla films, declared that Number 22, Godzilla the Destroyer, would be the very, very, very last—the finale, the ultimate scaly, belly-up end for the big ticked-off lizard.

And why?

Tomiyama claims they just ran out of ideas. There is, he says, nothing left to squash.

He’s got to be funning us. No more plum roles for the big galoot that flattened Tokyo, and went on to defeat the Smog Monster (a flying pile of rug sweepings held together, apparently, by big globs of under-the-refrigerator gunk)? No more work for the rubbery leading man that got top billing above Raymond Burr, and without speaking a single word of actual dialogue?

Hogwash, I say. As long as the world is filled with nudniks, zealots, lawyers, arbitrageurs, bottom-liners, and Republicans, there will always be a place for Godzilla. Why, the plots almost write themselves:

• Godzilla Eats Hong Kong. And gets one gut-kinking whopper of an MSG reaction. Monster on the run…with the runs. Horrifying.

• Godzilla Goes to Vegas. The lizard in a sequined Elvis suit and a big greasy wig, opening for Wayne Newton, whom he later gobbles as part of a boffo encore. Costarring Kevin Spacey as Newton.

• Godzilla Crushes Gilligan’s Island. But runs off with Ginger. He’s big, not dumb.

• Godzilla vs. the Entire Walt Disney Empire. He loses this one. Hey, he can survive hydrogen bombs, jet fighter attacks, and every death ray Japan ever invented, but too much is too much. He’s finally crushed to death under an avalanche of The Princess and the Frog Christmas sale junk.

• Godzilla vs. the Eco-Terrorists. The monster makes an hors d’ouevre out of the Rainbow Warrior when the ship speeds to the defense of the spawning grounds of the South Pacific sea slug, and accidentally interrupts an undersea tryst between Godzilla and a Russian nuclear sub.

• Godzilla Meets the Mutant Limbaugh Monster. And discovers a kindred spirit. Together, the pair reduce civilized society to a smoking rubble heap…and write a book.

• Godzilla vs. the Hideous Men-Things of Planet X. In this installment, we discover that the latest nuclear testing in the Pacific (by France, no less) has further mutated the monster into a transsexual female—and whoooeee, is she ever honked off!

• Godzilla vs. the Minnesota Gas Bags. Feeling his oats after snacking on the entire roster of right-wing radio personalities (and who wouldn’t?), the Big Guy attempts to devour the big players, beginning with Minnesota. He is thwarted when he realizes he is up against Michele Bachmann. He loses his appetite completely when he meets Tim Pawlenty and Norm Coleman. He settles for the destruction of the Twins Stadium.

• Godzilla and the Ghastly Gen-X Beings of Planet Smartass. The monster wolfs down an entire tweeter, cell phone, iPod social phenomenon, and finds that the lack of substance has left him still hungry.

• Godzilla vs. George Foreman. Foreman knocks the lizard out in the fourth. With a grill. In a fit of pique over the loss, Godzilla devours Don King.

So, Shogo baby…let’s not hear any more of this talk about plot lines drying up.

Face it: We need Godzilla. Sure, we’ve got lots of brainless-yet-vengeful modern action heroes, but they can dispose of, at best, two- or three-dozen villains at once.

These days, that’s not good enough. Sooner than we think, we’ll need somebody who can squish, mash, pulverize, gulp, and munch thousands of baddies at a time.

Consider the source here, but let’s not forget: 2012 is an election year.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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