Dear Dr. Lovenot:

Today’s guest columnist is Dr. Julie Lovenot, an expert on love and sexuality. She specializes in human sexual dysfunction, especially her own.

Dear Dr. Lovenot:
I recently saw Heidi Fleiss on Celebrity Rehab, and I recall Charlie Sheen admitting to paying her call girls in excess of $50,000. When I paid $7 to see his horrible bomb Hot Shots, how much of that money eventually went to finance those activities?

Movie studio accountants have many clever techniques for concealing where your box office dollar goes. Knowledgeable insiders, however, have provided the following breakdown of how that $7 was divided:

$2.25 to the film’s producers

$1.50 to the theater owners.

$0.50 to the usher who cleans up that disgusting popcorn and soda mess you leave under your seat

$0.25 to pay interest on the national debt

$0.75 to pay interest on the last Charlie Sheen feature, Scary Movie 4

$1.75 for Charlie Sheen’s “dates”

Dear Dr Lovenot:
According to Frank Sinatra, “It’s witchcraft, that wicked witchcraft.” What is he referring to exactly?

Mr. Sinatra, best known as Nancy’s father, is no doubt referring to the vagaries of love—the maddening and mystical qualities that no one since Shakespeare has quite understood. We all pretty much know how love feels. Yet, in purely physiological sense, it’s hard to explain just what love does to the body. To simulate the chemical process, try pouring Pepsi on corroded battery terminals.

Dear Dr. Lovenot:
My friend, Jeffrey, is always joking about the “ATM Rules of Romance.” I’m not sure what he means. When I signed up at my new bank, they mentioned nothing about such a rule, and I can find nothing in the small print.

The “ATM Rule of Romance” is a new and simple way of determining whether your love life is adequate. Here’s how it works: If you’re going to the automated teller more often than you’re making love, it’s time for a new relationship. Simple as that. The only exception is if you’re a famous actor, in which case, quick cash and sex go hand in hand.

Dear Dr. Lovenot:
My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants to wear her hair in that long shaggy style once worn by ’70s tennis star Billie Jean King. Yuck! It was horrible on her, and it was horrible on Streisand in A Star is Born. The whole stupid thing is straining our love life.

The hairstyle you’re describing, clinically known as “Fatal Attraction Hair,” is, of course, named for the one worn by Glenn Close in the 1987 movie. Because it is so easy to maintain, this “horrible” style is starting to become popular again. It allows women more time to do the things they like to do. It’s also a handy place to hide a knife.

Dear Dr. Lovenot:
What did Romeo say to Juliet that made her so nuts for him?

No one knows for sure, but it was probably, “Here, take my gold card. I never use it.”

Dear Dr. Lovenot:
As an added precaution, I make my boyfriend wear a wet suit when we make love. I believe this is the only way to guarantee safe and worry-free sex. He says this interferes with his enjoyment. Am I being unfair?

Not at all. As Dr. Lovenot often points out, there’s no legal substitute for common sense, at least not in the United States. Some countries do have legal substitutes for common sense, but evil despots usually rule them. These can be horrible, Fourth World nations. Sure, you can get a pretty good deal on a house there, but that’s because the cable service really stinks, and you pay an arm and a leg for a decent steak. So, in your case, Dr. Lovenot advises these safe-sex steps:

• Stay in the United States.
• Make your boyfriend wear a wet suit.
• Put a bag over his head, spin him around six times, and then go shopping.

Of course, consider the source here. I am, after all, Dr. Lovenot.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.

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