Basket Case

Ever do something stupid—like placing your head on a two-month-old laundry pile for a nap, then coming up off the floor shrieking like a chimpanzee, and trying to get your eyes to focus again?

Well…me neither.

If I ever do such a thing, I’ll refer immediately to the aromatherapy basket I received as a gift recently.

Bathing in the basket’s bounty of therapeutic oils and spices will not only leave you with that special odor that emanates from inside a brand-new car, but also do wonders for the sagging spirit and other sagging things.

The basket contained, for example, a special Confidence Bath. Essential oils for boosting confidence are jasmine, marjoram, neroli, peppermint, and rosemary. Take a bath in these ingredients every night for a week, and you’ll actually feel like boarding a commuter flight in a storm.

Creativity, too, can be boosted with this stuff. Oils for enhancing creativity are clary sage, helichrysum, and rosewood. I tried this for three consecutive nights, and—having never written a word of poetry before—was able to jot down, “There once was a guy from Nantucket…” before I passed out.

Need help with your love life? Well, just breathe jojoba oil, benzoin resin, coriander, and ginger. Here’s what you do: Combine ingredients in a bowl. Set bowl on counter. Pick up cellphone. Dial 1-900-BADBOYS.

Insomnia too, can be cured with oils. Good Night Diffuser: Blend 25 drops lavender oil, 10 drops orange oil, and 8 drops German chamomile oil. (Caution: More than 8 drops, and you’ll have the urge to storm-troop something.) Stir for 20 minutes. Listen to Tim Pawlenty speech. Leave note for someone to wake you before summer is over.

Myrrh oil is recommended for jock itch. This is not to say the more traditional method of treatment doesn’t work: Put on baseball uniform. Wait until TV cameras focus on you. Scratch self like a badger.

My lovely aromatherapy basket also included Hemorrhoid Massage Oil.

I won’t write about that.

You’re welcome.

My favorite of all is avocado oil, which restores dry, dehydrated skin. After a few cocktails, it’s not half bad on top of a tortilla chip.

Well, consider the source.

Bye for now.
Kiss, kiss.