In Parts I and II of this episode, my girlfriend decided to invite her ex, her ex’s new girlfriend, and all their children to my cottage for the weekend. But my contractor failed to show up, and an epic construction-stress-related battle ensued. My girlfriend stormed out; we broke up; my contractor showed me a naked picture of his girlfriend to make me feel better; my girlfriend returned; and we made up.
The best thing about having a big fight is that you get to have makeup sex. But we couldn’t, because my dimwitted contractor and his son, Dimwit Jr., were not yet done with their tasks.
When we finally got them out of the house, we jumped into bed, hoping to get a bit of heavy petting in before her ex-girlfriend arrived. But, just as the nibbling began, we heard a knock at the door. And there they were: the ex, her new girlfriend, the three kids, and a cooler full of light beer.
I’m lucky that my girlfriend had the good sense to choose fine, upstanding ex-girlfriend. Unlike my exes, who often can be found lurking behind bushes, and forgetting to take their meds, her ex is not only mature and fun, but also not harboring a secret, burning desire to get back together with my girlfriend.
Before I met the ex, I didn’t like her very much. After all, I only had heard my girlfriend’s version of their relationship. According to her, the ex was controlling, domineering, and far too interested in sports.
Then, I met her, and I love her! And she loves me! This drives my girlfriend crazy, especially when I take the ex’s side in an argument. They argue a lot, because they have a kid together.
As we walked to the door to greet them, my girlfriend whispered menacingly, “Don’t say anything about anything,” which meant she did not want me to commiserate with her ex. Inevitably, when we get together, her ex merrily criticizes my girlfriend. I giggle and nod appreciatively. My girlfriend does not like this one bit.
This may explain why my girlfriend was so interested in meeting her ex’s new girlfriend. She was hoping to find some support in her gripes against her ex. After all, who’s more qualified to find fault with your ex than her current girlfriend?
It didn’t quite work out that way. Apparently, the new girlfriend isn’t as quick to switch allegiances as I am.
As I flitted about, pouring drinks, and trying desperately to keep the conversation alive, the ex’s new girlfriend concentrated on avoiding eye contact, and crafting one-word responses to any polite question offered by my girlfriend.
Finally, my poor little defeated girlfriend retreated to the kitchen to make an incredibly work-intensive guacamole that ensured she wouldn’t have to make chitchat for the next hour.
I discovered her pounding the hell out of a helpless avocado, and muttering to herself. We were still a bit fragile from our big fight, and we hadn’t yet managed to have makeup sex, so I extended an olive branch.
“Can you believe that she brought her own cooler of beer?” I said with a laugh. “Did she think I wouldn’t have anything to serve her?”
For the first time that day, my girlfriend brightened, and said, “And did you notice how my ex is already telling her how to cut her hair, and she made her buy those stupid shoes?”
“Yeah, they suck, and we’re great. Now, let’s go back out there, and make them uncomfortable,” I said.
And with that, a new team was formed—she and I against the world, armed only with guacamole and the promise of awesome makeup sex in the near future.