Dateland

I was having a quiet morning, sipping my coffee, when I heard my e-mail box ding with alarm. Actually, it was just a regular e-mail “ding,” but it sounded alarming to me. Maybe it was alarming because my girlfriend had declared a veil of silence when we woke, so I was forbidden from speaking, or…

Today, I received an e-mail from a woman I don’t know asking me to set up a friend of hers. I’ve never met either of these women—never even heard of them—and yet they’ve charged me with the task of playing matchmaker. They learned of me through the somewhat moldy grapevine that is always threatening to…

I moved into my first condo on September 10, 2001. That night, my then-girlfriend and I shared a bottle of champagne with two friends, and looked in despair at all the dreadful wallpaper we had to strip from the walls. The sadist who sold us the place had covered every inch of the place—including the…

I was awakened this morning by an ill wind. This wind was covered with fur and teeth. This wind has a name: Fredo and Livia. They are my miniature schnauzers, and they are a pair of thugs. They wake me each morning by slapping me with their oversized panda paws. The attack this morning seemed…

A couple of strange things happened recently: (1) I was asked to discuss my sex life while buying a new car; and (2) My ex-husband asked me for an annulment. Let’s start with the car. Last week, I traded in my Subaru Outback for the 40-miles-per-gallon Ford Fiesta, because (1) I believe in America; (2)…

I am writing this column in my head while standing in a two-hour line at Disneyland to meet some $%#$^#*! Disney princesses with my 4-year-old niece, Danielle. Before we entered the line, Danielle required a costume change. Now, like the 5,000 other cranky children standing in the relentless sun, she is dressed in an elaborate…

I’ve witnessed some shocking behavior on public transportation. I’ve sat next to people who have peeled off their socks, and then trimmed their toenails by gnawing at them with their teeth. I’ve shuddered in disgust as riders with drippy noses have used bus windows as their personal hankies. As a result, every time I board…

I am sitting at my desk at work, waiting for a phone call from a woman I’ve been courting. I have been doing so all day. She was supposed to call me last Friday, but she didn’t. “Maybe she’s trapped in a car underwater, screaming out my name,” I told myself this morning, full of…

Happy New Year, peeps! This will be a very exciting year, because, as you all know, it will be the final year of The Oprah Show. And, just like Oprah, I’m planning on some big changes, too. No, I will not be ending this column, though I really should. But I will continue to plod…

I was at home sick last week, which gave me lots of time to catch up on daytime TV. One show that featured a portly, mustachioed faux therapist was about how people evolve from relationship to relationship. This made me really happy, because I always have wanted to grow a tail, and I’m pretty sure…