Puerto Paradise

Palms and waves at a resort in Puerto Vallarta.
Palms and waves. Photos by Carla Waldemar

Any port in a storm, as the sailors’ saying goes. 

Wait! You can do better than that! 

In a Minnesota winter, a storm is always brewing, so employ this simple formula to avoid its wrath and wring the most pleasure out of your escape: 1) Jump on a flight to Puerto Vallarta (nonstops daily via Sun Country make it simple). 2) Slap on sunscreen and enjoy. 

Bedding down in the Zona Romantica, just steps from the ocean in the heart of Old Town, is super-convenient and convivial 24/7, while an Air B&B in a comfortable, adjacent neighborhood offers a bit more authentic flavor: sidewalks (such as they are) patrolled by neighbors walking their dogs; the day-old bread truck blaring its looney-tune jingle; restaurants’ open-air patios wafting irresistible scents; and an auto or two lurching along the cobblestones. 

Our neighborhood of choice is called Versalles—a middle-class enclave with more restaurants than I can count in my limited Spanish. If your Spanish, like mine, consists of “Hola” and “Gracias,” not to worry: English is spoken virtually everywhere tourists wander. From our sixth-floor walk- (or, more accurately: pant-) up, it’s a 15-minute ramble to the ocean and a 20-minute bus or Uber to Old Town. The weather forecast seldom veers from “Blue sky and 80” this time of year. 

The sun rises soon after 7 and so do I, claiming a seat on the patio to supervise the morning’s patrol of pigeons, watch the pool cleaner start his rounds, and check on the security guards outside the condo of the mayor’s son, who earn their keep by polishing his car. Our only duty is to choose where we’ll enjoy breakfast each morning—maybe Noah’s for its chilaquiles verde, or El Negrito, where we caught a mariachi band livening our brunch. 

Murals liven Old Town in Puerto Vallarta.
Murals liven Old Town

Then it’s off to Old Town to spend the day meandering among its intrigue of tiny shops, bars and cafes, starting at the iconic Church of the Virgin of Guadaloupe (You’ll spot it by her crown atop its steeple). From there, it’s a leisurely stroll to Tile Square to rest our sandals on one of its vivid, tile-decorated benches before we mosey over to the adjacent English bookstore for a beach read. Then off to the beach itself in pursuit of a lime-spiked Margarita at a sand-anchored table. (Gotta keep hydrated, right?)

The Zona Romantica is a magnet for the LGBTQ+ crowd—another reason Puerto Vallarta wins the unofficial title as North America’s most gay-friendly vacation destination, where the dress code starts and stops with a Speedo. The ZR borders the ocean’s shore, dotted with sand castles, stone sculptures, and even the occasional crocodile. (Yes, we spied a huge, toothy critter lounging in the sun.) 

The Malecon beach walk is at its best on a Sunday evening, when local families gather their kids to take the air. We witnessed a made-for-Hallmark marriage proposal, with a dude down on bended knee as a mariachi quartet offered musical encouragement. In the park’s adjoining gazebo an energetic band lures couples of any ilk to practice their two-steps, if not their vows: people-watching at its best!

We ended our Sunday at Travieso’s, a homey hole in the Old Town wall where you can take your pick: husky beefsteaks or shrimp and tuna fresh from the sea. Should you visit Old Town on a Wednesday evening, you might choose to trek the DIY art gallery tour (22 stops; maps available).

Strolling the Malecón in Puerto Vallarta.
Strolling the Malecón

Speaking of tours, a taco tour is the ideal way to investigate small, under the radar operations that lure locals to their venues. We signed on with one offered by Vallarta Food Tours (www.vallartafoodtours.com or 888-360-9847). Our choice: a tasting trek though the working-class neighborhood called Pitillal, to enjoy 12 visits over a three-hour ramble, which our guide, Fernando, peppered with lots of local lore, history, photo ops and shopping hints for, say, hand-made leather sandals, pottery, or candy. 

But first, a lucky, seize-the-moment intro to a seafood vendor who’d just pulled open his truck. We snapped photos of one finny critter after another, which he held up for our inspection. Then, right across the street, a peek into a local butcher shop, spying mammoth sides of beef in the cooler along with ready-to-purchase chicken feet. 

But we were here to taste: taco after primo taco, from birria (stewed beef accompanied by a rich broth) to nopales (cactus) to a shellfish mix, each sided with a local drink: horchata, limonata—or Coca Cola, if you must. We watched women making the corn-based tortilla shells, wandered through the parish church, then a shop offering full-skirted ceremonial dresses which would make Scarlett O’Hara’s look shabby, plus another boutique selling infantwear for your plaster Baby Jesus. 

But the beach was calling. After another breakfast for the record books, we set off for a day at the ocean’s edge, dipping our ankles in the crisp water, strolling amid the locals on an uncrowded Tuesday morning, then heading back to our Versalles home to lounge by the pool, while a cat chased a giant lizard into the water. 

Taco maker on the Taco Tour in Puerto Vallarta.
A taco maker on the Taco Tour

Dinner tonight at A Mar Y Sierra introduced new flavors, starting with a manta-ray machaca taco with cheese crust (verdict: fun to try but very fishy flavor), on to stuffed squid or braised oxtail, a pork belly/octopus combo, or maybe the braised beef cheek with truffles and pasilla chilies—one of the best menus of our visit.

Another dinner standout: Abulon Antojeria del Mar, where tuna steak, seafood fettucine, and a ceviche cocktail were among the standouts, enjoyed in an inviting open-air atmosphere. El Negrito, with its Sunday mariachi band, proved endearing, as did lunch at tiny El Porco de Oro, saluting pork belly in all its luscious, fatty glory.

Next day, rinse and repeat. Next week, too, if you’re one of the lucky folks who can tele-commute to work. For me, it’s back to the computer and scary windchill readings. But I’m already planning my port call for next year. 

For more info, pick up a free copy of Gay Guide Vallarta, with listings of PV’s 30-plus gay bars, plus clubs, restaurants, hotels, saunas and events (www.gayguidevallarta.com).

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