Ms. Behavior®: Little Boy Toy Lost and Dashing Marriage Dreams


Dear Ms. Behavior:

I met these two guys last year and we hit it off. We had a lot of fun as a group, going to parties and out to the bars. I guess you can say I was their “boy.” Sexually, I liked one dad better then the other and it showed.

Things started to get bad for my two dads and they are no longer together. The one I liked more wants me to be with him. I’m all for it; I love him and he is a great guy.

Here’s the bad part: When they started to have problems I met this other guy online. I knew my two dads were breaking up and I would be out in the cold, so I thought what I was doing was okay. The guy from online lives way out of state. I’m thinking about moving to be with him.

I really like both guys a lot. The only thing that’s not the same is the sex. Sex with one is really hot and the other is good. What should I do? I have fallen in love with both and don’t want to hurt any one.

–Lost Boy

Dear Lost Boy:

Your problem isn’t which “dad” to pick, but rather that you’re lost. Quickly snagging a new boyfriend online so that you wouldn’t be “out in the cold,” suggests that you feel anxious about being on your own. Maybe you’re afraid you can’t sustain yourself financially or emotionally. But if you’re living in a panicked state where survival feels dependent on someone taking care of you, it’s hard to decide which man to use as your anchor/boyfriend.

It’s time to identify and deal with your fears (perhaps through therapy), so that you don’t find yourself moving cross-country every time a relationship ends. That will soon grow tedious, not to mention expensive. Ultimately, you’ll be happier choosing men based on mutual interest and attraction rather than your fear of being alone.

Sex isn’t always the best predictor of a successful relationship.  A good relationship requires chemistry, but that doesn’t seem to be your problem. Hot sex seems better than good sex, but it depends on why the hot sex is hot.  If it’s because you rarely see each other or because your hook-ups are surrounded by secrets or drama, the temperature may quickly drop if you live together or aren’t titillated by the prospect of another party finding out.

Ultimately, you should figure out what you can give yourself that isn’t dependent on someone else taking care of you. So, go to your room, young man, and take some time to sort it out. Pretend Daddy sent you, if that helps.


Dear Ms. Behavior:

My partner Jodi and I have been together for 3 1/2 years.   Recently, Jodi got down on bended knee and proposed.  It was so romantic, I couldn’t refuse. We’re planning to wed in Provincetown in June.

Here’s the problem: while it’s great that we can finally marry and perhaps get some of the legal protections that straight people take for granted, I think marriage is an outdated, sexist construct designed to preserve men’s property rights and subrogate women. Wouldn’t it be more meaningful for us to define our commitment to each other on our own terms rather than buying into some heterosexist ideal?

But what do I tell Jodi?  She’s excited about planning a big, traditional, hetero-style wedding with matching dresses and a five-tier wedding cake.  Do I burst her bubble and tell her that I don’t want any part of this sugar-coated charade or do I just smile and register our china pattern?

-Not the Marrying Kind

Dear Not the Marrying Kind:

While many queer couples are doing somersaults of joy to celebrate their marriages, others are secretly pulling each other’s hair out over where to marry, who to invite, and what it all means. Formerly the exclusive domain of heteros, the drama that surrounds marriage is a normal part of negotiating any huge emotional commitment.  And as trying as it may be, such negotiations can actually make your relationship stronger.

You and Jodi need to discuss your fantasies about marriage, itemizing the details that matter most, and those that you might be willing to compromise. Maybe you can figure out which traditional parts you can stomach (perhaps the majestic wedding cake?) and which ones offend you. Jodi can decide which traditional aspects she can do without, and which ones seem particularly meaningful to her. Ultimately, you should be able to work out a happy compromise.

Frankly, the only part of Jodi’s plan Ms. Behavior finds distressing is the matching dresses. Please try to come up with a sensible alternative.

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