Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’m a complete bottom who has a wonderful partner who wants me to “top” him. I just can’t bring myself to do this because I don’t have it in me. I know he really wants me to because he asks about once a week, but I always just push it aside. I feel that sex between us is great the way it is now. I’m not so sure he feels that way himself. It’s not a big concern, but it IS an issue. We’ve been together for almost a decade already and we’re definitely in this for the long haul.
How do I get over being a “bottom”? Perhaps I need to nip at the sherry before dinner.
Dear Concerned Bottom:
Consider the reasons for your hesitation. You need not force yourself to do something to which you feel violently opposed. But if your doubt is based mostly in fear or embarrassment, you might try to push through it, especially if you’re also curious or at least open-minded. It sounds like you love your partner and plan a life together, so you may as well include as much sexual variety as possible.
Ms. Behavior has an encouraging story to share: Her friend Vinnie, a big truck driver, was a committed legs-over-his-head bottom until he turned 40. Then Vinnie fell in love with Manuel, the biggest nelliest bottom who ever sashayed across God’s green earth. Vinnie couldn’t imagine giving it up to Manuel, so he rose to the occasion just to test it out. (Unfortunately, Vinnie, who was Ms. Behavior’s housemate at the time, chose to test it out on the kitchen table, where Manuel was treated like an hors d’oeuvres. Thank God for antibacterial soap.) Though skeptical at first, Vinnie took to topping like a natural and has enjoyed a life of versatility ever since.
Yes, Ms. Behavior knows that when a gay man claims to be “versatile” it generally means that he’s a bottom who’s capable of getting on top if urged with either a large loaded weapon or several bouquets of flowers.
Anyway, if you decide to test it out, bring a very butch outfit. When you step outside your comfort zone, costumes go a long way. Good luck in your topping endeavor. Ms. Behavior and her readers will be anxious to hear how it goes.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I was recently dumped by the woman of my dreams. She didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me why; instead, she stopped returning my calls and answering my e-mail. Finally, when I managed to get hold of her, she said it just wasn’t working for her. This is after a fabulous four months together, great sex, and sharing our most intimate feelings with each other.
I feel like I should just forget about trying to meet another woman. I am totally blown away by this experience. But I feel sexually deprived.
Dear Forlorn Lesbian:
It’s never a good idea to make a grand plan for a life of spinsterhood right after you get dumped. Be dramatic if you need to and invest in the wardrobe and accoutrements (sweatpants, mallomars, book-of-the-month-club, multiple felines), but don’t commit to it.
You’re right, however, that this may not be the best time to meet, court, and marry someone new. You’d probably just project your hurt and insecure feelings onto your girlfriend, which would make you feel like a needy cling-on, and wouldn’t bode well for a healthy relationship.
Your ex sounds like a nightmare; a person who doesn’t have the courtesy to return your calls or offer an explanation after several months of dating probably has some serious emotional issues.
This would be a good time to think back about whether there were any clues that she could be so dismissive or that she wasn’t as connected as you might have imagined. If you can feel more confident about reading someone else’s signals in the future, it may make you feel less fragile.
In the meantime, it doesn’t make sense to plan how long to stay alone because it will really depend on how you feel. Once you think you can see someone clearly –you won’t confuse her with your ex-girlfriend or your rejecting mommy —then you’ll be ready to meet someone new
And until then, make sure you masturbate a lot. Sexually deprived people often seem grouchy.
© 2012 Meryl Cohn. Address questions and correspondence to [email protected].