Ms. Behavior


Dear Ms. Behavior:

Tom has been my best friend forever. He’s everything you could want in a friend: fun, fashionable, and loyal. He’s helped me move in with countless girlfriends, and always has a room for me when I move back out.

Here’s the problem. Every few weeks, he stands me up. We’ll have plans to go to the movies or to dinner, and when I stop by to get him, he hems and haws about some adorable boy who’s on his way over to give him dick.

I’m glad when Tom gets some. I’m just not thrilled about the repeat timing of the dick du jour arriving two minutes before we’re supposed to go out. Usually Tom is sheepish enough to turn red, shuffle his Nike’s, and apologize like mad. He sends me off to the restaurant alone, promising to show up before dessert. Usually he does. I forgive him because he apologizes so profusely. But then I feel upset later, and unsure of what it means. Am I really that disposable? Is there some hidden, underlying reason in Tom’s psyche about disappointing me?

I am getting sick of it! I’m going to stop making plans with him if he doesn’t grow up (Did I mention he’s 45 – too old for this behavior, right?).

–Sloppy Seconds

Dear Sloppy Seconds:

Tom’s wiener addiction is not about you and whether or not you’re lovable. Men who are, shall we say, phallically motivated, have no “hidden, underlying” reasons for the timing of their interludes. Tom has no reason to purposely disappoint you. He’s just a dickhound.

Still, his behavior is juvenile and rude. If you too had a dick to withhold, your annoyance at his antics would have more sway. But do you at least tell him that it hurts your feelings?

Tom’s pre-emptive apology is a strategy designed to keep you from expressing your anger. It’s the same reason your dog crawls to greet you at the door after he’s dragged orange peels and coffee grinds (and tampons if you’re extra lucky) from your garbage can for the 700th time. You may not recognize the choreographic similarity, but Tom, like your doggy, hopes his dance of submission will soften your wrath.

Your inability to confront Tom probably makes it easier for him to cancel plans with you. Going back to the dog analogy, some trainers recommend lightly tapping a garbage-eating pup on the snout with a newspaper. Since Tom’s snout is not, in his case, the errant organ, perhaps you’ll think of a suitable (of course, metaphorical) alternative.


Dear Ms. Behavior:

My boyfriend says that lesbian sex can consist of two females locking up and transferring urine into the other partner. Is this true? Please send a reply.

Thank You.


Dear Laura:

Since your return e-mail address is from a university, Ms. Behavior can only speculate that you are an innocent young undergraduate, and your boyfriend is a wise PhD candidate in a rocket science program.

Your boyfriend, though perhaps well-meaning, has told you only a partial truth about lesbian sex, probably because he worries that if you knew it all, you’d be so enraptured with the fantasy that you would leave him for a woman.

So, Ms. Behavior is here to tell you the whole truth: In addition to the lovely locking up and urine transfer, lesbians engage in these other rituals of pleasure:

1) Lesbians shave their heads, anoint them with oils, and rub them together while singing songs about the patriarchy.

2)    Lesbians gather their Barbie dolls, remove their dresses and their heads, and make them lie on top of each other. They enjoy watching these icons of femininity get it on, since they were punished for stripping and beheading Barbie and Skipper as children.

3)    Lesbians eat juicy, musky fruit, like mangoes, over each other’s naked bodies. They become aroused and often reach orgasm at the mere sight of anything slippery or drippy.

4)    Sexual rituals for lesbians involve filling their bedrooms with provocative flowers and food, such as irises, pussy willows, oysters, and Kit Kat bars. Besides their obvious affinity for feline companions, they are aroused by any linguistic or visual allusion to female genitalia.

Please do not watch so-called erotic movies about lesbianism, because they will give you (and your boyfriend) the wrong idea. Only the least socially and culturally evolved lesbians engage in such base activities as rubbing naked bodies together, touching each other with their hands, or pleasuring each other with their mouths.

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