Dear Ms. Behavior:
I consider myself a straight male. However, I often fantasize about having oral sex with another man. Does that mean I am bi or gay? I know swallowing is risky, but I really would like to experience that too, if I could find an honest male to try it on, who is under 38 years old. Now on the other hand, I love women and want to get married some day. I do not like to cuddle with a man or kiss a man; in fact, I would find it gross. Can you give me some advice?
–Love to Swallow
Dear Love to Swallow:
What’s “straight” about wanting sex with men and cuddling and marriage with women? You specify the under-38 age range of the men you’d like to blow, and the only other characteristic you specify is honesty. Ms. Behavior presumes that by “honest,” you mean about his HIV status. But will you be honest with the woman you someday hope to marry when you go out on your sucking and swallowing expeditions? Will you go down on her, too? The fact that you find the idea of cuddling or kissing a man “gross” makes you sound like you might suffer from a touch of homophobia. Perhaps therapy would help you to sort out your feelings, so that perhaps someday the person you want to blow is the same one you want to kiss, and vice versa.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
Can a lesbian and a bisexual woman be friends after having a passionate relationship? I‘ve decided to be friends with this bisexual woman until she can figure out what she wants. She has children and I feel that she is stuck in the fantasy of her children having a father figure even if her own needs are not fully being met. So to play it safe with my own heart, being friends with her and just loving her at a distance is all I can do for now. Yes, I am hoping she will rediscover her true feelings for me, but until then, I’ve decided on no intimacy. What do you think? Am I wasting away as my heart is frozen in time?
Dear Wasting Away:
Your signature suggests that you’ve answered your own question: It doesn’t sound like you have enough distance from your bisexual “friend” to protect your heart.
Get out of your friend’s head. Don’t worry about what fantasy she’s stuck in, and don’t wait for her to figure out what she wants. That might take a long time, particularly if you’re hanging out in the background, hoping she’ll rediscover her feelings for you. Your physical presence won’t make her more likely to realize that she wants you. And just resisting the temptation to have sex with one another is probably not enough of a change to create the distance that you both need now.
Besides, if your heart is “frozen in time” it won’t necessarily be available for the big thaw if a real and wonderful lesbian happens to shows up, ready for a relationship with you.
© 2012 Meryl Cohn. Address questions and correspondence to [email protected].