Lesbian 101: How To Be a Mistress

It’s raining out, and I’m bored, so I had no other option than to go to one of the online dating sites, and send titillating IMs to a married lady looking for a little action on the side. This is how adulterous affairs begin—because of dreary weather and boredom.

I always…always!…have wanted to be a mistress. It seems like such an adult thing to do—like wearing cocktail dresses and flying business class. But, like most things adult, it requires some effort. And, thus, some research. So, I’ve contacted my most actively adulterous friends, and asked them to give us rules of how to be a mistress.

1. Lingerie. Lingerie. Lingerie. This was at the top of all the mistresses’ lists. Apparently, the entire lingerie business is built on the backs of wedding nights and adulterous affairs. It doesn’t seem to matter what color it is, or if it’s really slutty or kind of classy, lingerie the key ingredient to being a successful mistress.

2. A trench coat. No one could explain this satisfactorily, but every mistress I spoke with mentioned her trench coat at some point during our discussion. I suppose the most logical explanation is that it is something you can wear over your lingerie when you meet your married lover at a hurried rendezvous.

3. Love of sex. Married people tend to have affairs because their spouse isn’t interested in having sex with them. So, if you’re going to be a mistress, you have to like to have sex. Otherwise, what the hell is the point?

4. Low expectations. You can’t go into the affair expecting your lover to leave her spouse. The odds are against it. And if you start whining and nagging that your lover has to run home to her spouse, it will make you sound like a harpy. This is not attractive, even when wearing the finest lingerie.

5. Don’t wait by the phone. You are involved with someone who is involved with someone else. She can call you only at certain hours of the day—mainly during daylight hours. So, go out, have fun, and get on with your life.

6. Dealing with crushing guilt. At first, the affair is going to be a lot of fun. But soon, your lover will devolve into a weeping mess. She will feel terrible for cheating, and you’ll have to make her feel better. This is tricky, because the reason she’s feeling bad is that she’s sleeping with you, which puts you in the awkward position of promoting your sexual skills, while still showing compassion (fake it) for your lover’s poor, unsuspecting, cuckolded spouse.

7. Do not get attached. Every mistress I spoke with stressed the importance of this rule. The affair will end eventually, and you want to be the one who ends it. Watch for the warning signs that your lover is considering ending the affair: canceling trysts; excessive crying; inattention to grooming; general snippiness; caustic comments about your neediness; sudden reluctance to reach for the check. As soon as the affair begins to tailspin, get the hell out. Once it starts to sour, the relationship never will recover.

And, this is the take-away message: If you want a long-term relationship, get married. If you want fleeting passion, have an affair. And, if you decide to go the affair route, stock up on some nice lingerie. Once the affair ends, you always can recycle it, and wear it again on your wedding night.

Hey, I wrote a book. You can buy Dateland on Amazon.

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