Ms. Behavior®

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I recently used my girlfriend Jen’s computer for work, and discovered that she has placed ads for sex on Craigslist. I’m mostly upset about the specifics of the ad: She’s looking for lesbians who enjoy “anal pleasure.” She then extensively describes her fetish of being rimmed.

The problem is that Jen never has told me about this fetish. She’s normally very controlling in bed. I’m into backdoor activities myself. But If I suddenly express an interest in “anal pleasure,” Jen may guess that I snooped.

Would she even have a right to be mad at me, under the circumstances? What should I do?

—Anna

Dear Anna:

Would Sara Lee deprive her wife of pound cake? Would Mr. Clean allow his spouse to live in a dirty house?

Given that you apparently are dating the Grand Mistress of the Anal Terrain, you surely shouldn’t have to stand for being anally deprived.

Pick a date when you know nothing else is going on. and plan an Anal Ambush. Jen is used to being in control, so you may have to persuade her to let you be in charge this time. But a Control Queen frequently is relieved when given the opportunity to relinquish her power.

Don’t worry too much about having snooped. Let’s hope she’ll come to the conclusion that your fervent interest in anal sex is a blessed coincidence.

Or, if you’re feeling really kinky, you could just answer her ad.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I’ve been with my partner, Daniel, for three years, and never had sex outside the relationship—until this past winter. Once I did it—an unplanned hookup at my gym—I felt like I already had messed up, so it became easy to do it again and again. Basically, I’ve been giving steam-room blowjobs several times a week on my way home from work.

At first, I told myself that because I wasn’t getting off, it didn’t count. But now, I’ve started to feel dishonest, especially as Daniel never would suspect anything. I am planning to stop sometime soon.

Do I need to tell him what I’ve done?

I love Daniel, and never would want to hurt him.

—Guilty Party

Dear Guilty Party:

It’s human nature to resist a first bite or lick in order to control your appetite. But as compulsive Ho-Ho eaters know, once you blow it (so to speak), it’s hard to eat just one. In reality, you can stop any time. And, at least your little vice won’t cause weight gain.

Now that you’ve started feeling guilty, the fun is over anyway. If you can make yourself stop the blowjobs, don’t confess. It will hurt your partner more than it will cleanse your soul. If you can’t make yourself stop, see a therapist, and figure out why.

Try to establish a different routine after work. Join a different gym or run around the park, instead of doing three bench presses followed by an hour in the steam room.

If all else fails, you might consult an orthodontist, and have your mouth wired shut.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

What’s with gay people these days? I always love your column, but I’ve noticed that your recent questions have been a bit tamer than usual. Has the ability to marry rendered queer people all “normal”?

I was all set to write you about the new “hairdos/muffs” we’d like to see more of (if you haven’t yet seen a photo of Eliot Spitzer’s girlfriend’s bush, I will try to find one for you), but I’m afraid I’d be too over-the-top compared to recent questions.

My girlfriend thinks maybe you’re planning on going all respectable and nice. I think it’s just that homos have gone all mainstream.

Either way, please bring back some nasty, dirty Ms. Behavior.

—Ellen

Dear Ellen:

Ms. Behavior thanks you for your encouragement and inspiration. As you may have suspected, she has an eye toward landing a column in the Ladies’ Home Journal. So, she recently enlisted the help of a retired nun to edit out the usual felching and fisting. For this column, Ms. Behavior has pulled a couple of nasty letters out of her mailbag just for you. She hopes you find them fulfilling.

© 2008 Meryl Cohen. Address questions and correspondence to [email protected] She is the author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin). Signed copies are available directly from the author.