Dateland: Marriage By Dolphin


Let’s take a quiz! Answer questions based on the following situation:

25 years ago you met the love of your life. You were 25 and she was 24. You both were very young and very scared. So it ended before it even really began, and you lost contact for most of your adulthood. Yet, you never forgot her, and you bet against all odds that you’d be reunited someday.

Now, fast-forward to a late night in 2015. It’s the 25th anniversary of your first kiss. The fact that you remember this date makes you either a) really romantic or b) kind of pathetic. Doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that you have one too many beers, pick up your iPad, and look her up on Facebook. And because you don’t know how to use your iPad, you accidentally hit the “friend” request. You don’t realize you’ve done this until the next morning, when you find a response from her in your inbox.

You write to each other for the next couple months and nervously/excitedly agree to meet for dinner. The dinner goes really well! You simply can’t believe your good fortune! After a quarter of a century your most important dream seems about to come true.

Now! Let’s take a quiz to see how well you handle this blessing.

  1. After dinner, you linger outside the restaurant, both of you reluctant to end the evening. Suddenly, she leans in to kiss you. (Note: you have dreamt of/prayed for this kiss for 25 years! It’s a big deal.) How do you respond?
    a) You kiss her back and hope your brain doesn’t explode from the excitement.
    b) You push her away and explain that you have a cold sore. When she asks, “Am I going to get it?” You say, “Yes, probably. Sorry.”

If you chose “b,” well, then you’re as much of a moron as I am. Because, yes, that is exactly what I did when she kissed me. Now, in my defense, I really did have a cold sore. But I had waited 25 years for that kiss! Nothing short of the Black Plague should have stopped it. I’m such a frickin’ idiot!

  1. Undeterred by the fact that you are a complete imbecile, she invites you to her home. Because she is a nice girl, she carefully couches the invitation in concern. “You’ve got a long drive,” she says. “You should spend the night.” How do you respond?
    a) You immediately begin shucking off your clothing as you follow her to her car.
    b) You say, “Oh, it’s not that long of a drive. I’ll be fine.” And when she restates the invitation — this time suggesting that she has something more sexy in mind than your personal safety — you giggle madly at the thought, and then respond, “Really, it’s not that long of a drive. But thanks!”

Needless to say my answer was “b”, because I’m a nitwit. For literally half of my life I’ve waited for that invitation, and when it finally came, I didn’t accept it. I wish this were an interactive column so that one of my readers could reach through it and slap some sense into me.

It’s now a couple months after this first dinner and my stupidity continues! Last night I told her that I’d like to get married by a dolphin — to actually have a dolphin perform the ceremony because I could never break a vow made in front of a dolphin.

She stared quietly at me for a moment. I’m certain she was wondering how she had gotten herself involved in this madness and whether it was too late to escape. But instead of running away, she simply shook her head and stated emphatically, “No! We’re not getting married by a dolphin.”

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