Swear Jar: Michele Bachmann

Can we please stop calling Michele Bachmann an evil bitch? Deep breath. Stay with me.

I am not a fan of Michele Bachmann. I want her to fail. Miserably. Like, if one day I was exiting off I-35W and she was standing on the corner of 35th Street with a cardboard sign that said “Will Hate for Food,” I’d smile. Sure, I’d probably roll down the window and give her a dollar, but after she took it I’d tell her it was a gay dollar. A gay dollar that was shoved into my gay g-string while I was gay stripping at the gay bar. Then I’d blast “It’s Raining Men” on the stereo and drive off, still smiling. That’s how much I hope Michele Bachmann fails. Oh and, don’t worry. She didn’t have to end up homeless. She qualified for unemployment benefits, but turned them down, because, of course, they’re just a socialist ploy by gangster government to turn everyone gay.

Where was I? Oh, yes, the evil bitch. The words, not Michele Bachmann. Remember, I’m trying to get people to stop calling Michele Bachmann an evil bitch. Frankly, every time I hear someone call Michele Bachmann that, I cringe. For the record, there is also a small part of me way back in my primitive lizard brain that laughs maniacally when I hear that. Coincidentally, I think they call that the Michele Bachmann brain region. Primitive lizard brain.

Okay, back to the evil bitch. First, let’s take a look at the word evil. Evil is a dumb word. It’s a fairytale word used by children and people like Michele Bachmann, herself, who live in a simple world of moral dualism, where everything is either good or bad. It’s us versus them. It may make for great movies, but it makes for horrible social policy. Think Crusades, Holocaust, etc.

As for bitch, it’s a relative no-brainer. Calling a woman a bitch is too easy. And sexist. And doesn’t really say much for you or the bitch.

When it comes right down to it, calling Michele Bachmann an evil bitch pretty much puts you on par with Michele Bachmann. If Michele Bachmann were running against Michele Bachmann, she’d probably call her an evil bitch.

More importantly, when we call Michele Bachmann an evil bitch, we miss an opportunity to go after her actual record. And what a record it is. Just Google “dumb things Michele Bachmann says.”

The next time you feel the urge to scream out, “Michele Bachmann’s an evil bitch,” relent. Actually, donate $5 to the HRC or OutFront Minnesota instead. That is, unless you see a crazy-eyed homeless lady with a bad blowout at the I-35W 35th Street exit.

Next issue: Can we please stop calling Marcus Bachmann gay?

Top Michele Quotes about ‘The Gay’

“[Same-sex marriage] is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that.”

“This is an earthquake issue. This will change our state forever. Because the immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.”

“This is a very serious matter, because it is our children who are the prize for this community, they are specifically targeting our children.”

“This is not about hating homosexuals. I don’t. I love homosexuals.”

“It leads to the personal enslavement of individuals. Because if you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. Personal bondage, personal despair, and personal enslavement. And that’s why this is so dangerous.”

“In 5,000 years of recorded human history…neither in the east or in the west…has any society ever defined marriage as anything other than between men and women. Not one in 5,000 years of recorded human history. That’s an astounding fact and it isn’t until the last 12 years or so that we have seen for the first time in recorded human history marriage defined as anything other than between men and between women.”

Quotes taken directly from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Michele_Bachmann on Wednesday, August 17, 2011.

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