Local Dads Gather for Coffee, Comfort and Community

By Michael Buerke

“The opposite of belonging is fitting in, because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, ‘Who do I need to be, what do I need to say, how do I need to act,’ and changing who you are. True belonging never asks us to change who we are; it demands that we ‘be’ who we are … if you’ve changed yourself, that is not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people. And that’s not sustainable.” — Brené Brown

The first thing you notice is the hugs.

As each man arrives, the conversation stops, everyone stands, and they smother each other in lavish hugs.

These aren’t gentlemanly “side hugs.” No knuckle dapping or shoulder patting. These are embraces. With these passionate, full-bodied hugs, chests pressed together and arms wrapped firmly around one another, the men betray their otherwise typical Midwestern sensibilities. These are the type usually reserved for the long-lost being reunited. It’s Andy and Red on the beach in Zihuatanejo at the conclusion of “The Shawshank Redemption,” or a soldier coming home to his family. That sort of hug.

This isn’t a reunion, though — the men gather every Friday morning. They come from all walks of life — business owners, educators, realtors, corporate execs, artists — and they share a bond: they are all fathers. And while their children range in age from toddlers to young adulthood, they all possess that universal fierce love that any healthy parent holds for their own child.

But these particular dads share something else in common: they all identify as gay.

At some point along their life paths, they each came out of the closet, and subsequently their straight marriages. For most, the first confession of their true sexuality (except perhaps within the confines of a therapist’s office) was to their wives. The individual journeys of self-acceptance and authenticity that brought them to this unassuming coffee shop on the Green Line in St. Paul are wildly different and, in some cases, just plain wild. They drive from all over the metro to drink coffee here, boast about their kids’ latest milestones and support each other through trials and setbacks as they do the work to heal unique wounds, both carried and caused, that run decades deep.

And they hug like no one is watching. For many, it’s the first time they’ve ever felt comfortable enough to earnestly hug another man, having finally shed the paranoia so often part of the unspoken rules of the suffocating closet. I’m intimately familiar with the arbitrary rules and the newfound freedom outside those walls; I’m part of the group.

“The camaraderie and sharing of extremely hard experiences … many of us have moved through the most difficult struggles, and we couldn’t have done it without the support of the others. The dads in this group saved my life, period,” says Bruce, a member of the group.

Several of the men articulated that they have always carried a profound sense of loneliness, trying to present themselves as “normal” in a heteronormative world. Even after coming out and accepting their own sexuality, the loneliness would often persist as they felt they didn’t quite fit the stereotypical gay scene either.

As one regular stated, “My priority is still my kids. They are my whole world, and I love being a dad. At times, it can be an obstacle when trying to find companionship, but it’s just who I am. I’m gay, but more specifically, I’m a gay dad. I’m raising them to be their authentic selves, however they identify, and now I’m [finally] modeling that to them. Walking the walk.”

“I get to be myself around others” is a shared sentiment.

“After spending decades trying to fit in just to be accepted, it’s incredible to finally feel like I actually belong somewhere. I’ve found my people,” says another.

The gatherers are an organic off-shoot of a larger, more established group, The Minnesota Gay and Bi Fathers Support Group (fathersgroupmn.org). Founded decades ago in the Twin Cities, the confidential group meets monthly at various locations around the metro.

“We all remember those first few days and weeks after that initial disclosure to our spouses or even to ourselves,” explains group co-leader Chad. “While the monthly meetings are wonderful, when someone reaches out in crisis, meeting more often and with a bit less formality has been really helpful.”

The rhythm of weekly meetings gives the men a sense of stability and predictability when everything else can feel like a whirlwind.

“It’s amazing knowing that no topic is off limits, no situation is too much and all feelings are valid. We’ve all ‘been there,’ so to speak,” says another attendee.

“We’re in this together. Had none of us come out, we likely would’ve never crossed paths, coming from very different backgrounds and parts of the city,” as yet another reiterates. “But I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’m a much better dad knowing I’ve got these guys in my corner.”

After an hour or two, they begin to disperse, heading to jobs and whatever other responsibilities the day holds. And just like how the morning began, it ends with genuine hugs, one by one.

Guest writer Michael Buerke is a member of the Minnesota Gay and Bi Fathers Support Group, a Realtor in the Twin Cities metro and Dad to two awesome teenagers.